November

November was the best month of my life so far. And the worst. First, let me say that everything is OK with Abby. She is the best most wonderful baby ever. Her birth brought something amazing into our lives and we will never be the same. She is what made November the best month. And then my dad had a heart attack on Saturday the 21st and died at 12:20 AM on the 24th.

By some miracle we had Sunday and Monday with him. We thought he was going to be ok but I guess it wasn't meant to be. Thank god Abby came three weeks early because he died days before her due date. I hate that she won't get to know him except through us but I am happy that he saw her and held her. But I am devastated that it was only three times in her life, and that there isn't a single picture of any of those moments.

So that's why I haven't written. At first it was just because we were adjusting to having a new baby - we had 5 days in the hospital - the recovery was quick from the c-section - breast feeding a failure - jaundice a big deal for the first two weeks - a baby who needed to be fed every two hours - it was all a blur at first.

And then I couldn't write because I would have to say this...and I didn't want to. But it's been three weeks. That was how old Abby was when he died. It just sucks to be honest. A million times I want to call him - to talk to him - to have him see her.

But there is joy - in the sweet baby above.

Hello Abby

Abigail Elizabeth Grace born on November 4th, 2009 weiging in at 6 lbs 14 ounces.

Julie had to endure a c-section, so needless to say she is still sore.

Abby is being monitored because her blood sugars were low, but she is doing great other than that.

Thank you everyone for your prayers and positive thoughts, it was a hard journey, with an unexpected last path, but a great, beautiful ending.

Day two

As we reach the next 24 hours of Abby's birth, there is progress. Julie had an epidural in the middle of the night after having some nasty contractions. As of 930 this morning she is about 5 centimeters dilated, so we are hoping Abby gets the hint to come on down since we all can't wait to see her!!

at the hospital

This is Dan, Julie and I are at the hospital now. Julie went in for a check up and her fluids were low, so the doctors said today is the day!

So we are waiting now to see what the plan is, but Abby will be on the way soon!!

I know...

I don't call... I don't write....Its been a while but I've been posting on the baby blog and you can always check that out. http://onebunintheoven.blogspot.com

All is well - the next few months will be busy with moving and classes and Dr.'s appts. So excited to see this little girl.

Mostly the last few days I was thinking about what a joy it has been to be on this ride with Dan. He is just as excited and sometimes even more excited than I am about being a parent and meeting Abby. I feel so blessed to have them both - you know those moments where you feel your heart expand? There's been a few of those over the last few weeks and I imagine a lot more to come once Abby is here. I can not wait to see Dan holding her and talking to her and giving her a kiss. That is the vision that I dream about the most because I know how much he loves her already and I can't wait to see his face when he looks at her for the first time and sees his daughter. When I get scared or worried that is the vision I most hold on to - and pray that I will get see that moment.

Its weird that getting closer to having the baby makes me worry that something will happen to me. I come up with weird things for Dan to promise - which makes him mad that I think something bad could happen - but just things I want him to do - if I am not here to do it. Like she can't get her ears pierced until she is 12 - write her a letter each month until she is a year old and then once a year on her birthday and tell her how special she is and what happened in the year- no cell phones or texting unless she is a good student and even then only when she is in high school - that she has to take a drivers ed class - that some how finding a way to help her always be proud of herself and secure in who she is (the best gift we could ever give her). Stupid things like that but somehow I have to say them, just in case. Plus I try to get him to promise that if something happens she is more important than me. Yeah, now I can't stop crying. Time to change the subject :)

Anyone that knows Dan would not be surprised to hear that he has been a rock though all of the pregnancy's ups and downs and my ups and downs. He has been 150% supportive and 150% helpful. He has taken such good care of me and the baby. I can only pray that our daughter is like him because she will be such a wonderful person - I guess she can have a little of me for variety but God willing she will be as sweet as Danny. We all joke that she is being stubborn when it comes to ultrasounds and heartbeats but maybe its not - maybe she is shy! Which would be more like Dan! Woo hoo! I'll take it!

Mostly I just wanted to say thank you Danny. Without you I wouldn't be a soon to be mommy or be as happy as I am. You are the best (which is not a good enough word!)!! 143 as always! More than all the chocolate in the world!

Whats in a name?

Well we've named her :)

Abigail Therese or Abigail Grace... the cat got out of the bag so we told everyone :) Well that's a 90% name since you never know - she may not look like an Abby at all :) Zoe didn't become the Elle or Ella she was going to be!

Almost 28 weeks and that's awesome. I love, love, love that if she was born now she would have a really good chance of survival. Still completely terrified that something will happen between now and when she is born. We've lost so much along the way, especially being blind to what can happen, that I am always worried about still birth. I think that is why I really don't want to go past 38 weeks. I am so afraid to get to the end and not have her. Even saying the name made me wonder if we jinxed something. Ugh. And then I feel her move and think, well we are ok for now. God, I just love her so much already.

We never decided about a class...there is still time but we need to get signed up. I don't think I feel an urge to do with this without an epidural but I said I would see how far I could get, maybe I have a tolerance or maybe not. Who knows it may not matter in the end, it may just be a c-section. I wish they would just beam her out - less pain :) But all these things serve a purpose so I guess its natures way of making things work.

I got my stroller for my birthday! Woo hoo - love it:) It was all I could do not to put it together :) And the pretty pandor.a bracelet beads above from Dan and baby Abby!! It was a set called "Its a girl" sweet!!

WOW...am I bad

It's been almost a month since I posted. Where has that time gone?

Here we are almost 27 weeks. I can remember when all I wanted to do was get to 12 weeks...and then 24 weeks...now 38 is my goal. That's only 11 more weeks!

Yesterday was our due date for our angel baby from December. I cried a little and sent a prayer up to heaven. And said thank you for watching out for your little sister. I am sure that if we weren't expecting this little angel it would have been a much more difficult day, instead it was just a chance to be thankful for what we have now.

This is really amazing. I mean its real now, we are having a baby. She has a name. She is so loved already and we just can't wait to meet her - see her - kiss her. She moves now and kicks me and has moments where she must be doing flips. And I can feel so much of it and its so cool and so reassuring. Its still a little alien like but an amazing feeling.

Health wise - I'm doing ok. Swollen and fat. Maybe look more pregnant but I think it depends on what I wear. Blood pressure went up again (as of yesterday) a bit so new meds are ordered. Insulin needs jumped a lot in the last few weeks - which is normal - the highest amt needed is between weeks 24-34 - so there you go. I am not in love with the cpap machine but I keep using it - because I know that is the only way I am getting "real" sleep.

I stopped working (going to work) two weeks ago - waiting for short term disability to happen. Did a few projects from home in the mean time. Mentally and physically I just didn't have it. Its helped not to have to schlep in and have more time to rest plus getting some semblance of real sleep. We tried to go to a movie and walking any distance wears me out - it was sad. I fool myself into thinking I feel better that I do by being home. D'oh. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier to be in this situation.

What else? We are moving in a month. But it was that or move Nov 1st which seamed insane. A little scary to not know whats happening with the job in the long run but we are taking the chance that we can work it all out no matter what happens. Family garage sale this weekend. Big 41 next week...and I don't even care! I was a freak about turning 40 and now just happy to be pregnant and 41!

Next appt is in 2 weeks - have to sign up for a birth class soon - we get an ultrasound on that visit. Not holding out hope for a good picture at this point :)

I promise to update at least weekly....