Maybe Bébé

November

2009-12-16T01:09:00.003-06:00

November was the best month of my life so far. And the worst. First, let me say that everything is OK with Abby. She is the best most wonderful baby ever. Her birth brought something amazing into our lives and we will never be the same. She is what made November the best month. And then my dad had a heart attack on Saturday the 21st and died at 12:20 AM on the 24th.

By some miracle we had Sunday and Monday with him. We thought he was going to be ok but I guess it wasn't meant to be. Thank god Abby came three weeks early because he died days before her due date. I hate that she won't get to know him except through us but I am happy that he saw her and held her. But I am devastated that it was only three times in her life, and that there isn't a single picture of any of those moments.

So that's why I haven't written. At first it was just because we were adjusting to having a new baby - we had 5 days in the hospital - the recovery was quick from the c-section - breast feeding a failure - jaundice a big deal for the first two weeks - a baby who needed to be fed every two hours - it was all a blur at first.

And then I couldn't write because I would have to say this...and I didn't want to. But it's been three weeks. That was how old Abby was when he died. It just sucks to be honest. A million times I want to call him - to talk to him - to have him see her.

But there is joy - in the sweet baby above.

Hello Abby

2009-11-05T10:29:00.003-06:00

Abigail Elizabeth Grace born on November 4th, 2009 weiging in at 6 lbs 14 ounces.

Julie had to endure a c-section, so needless to say she is still sore.

Abby is being monitored because her blood sugars were low, but she is doing great other than that.

Thank you everyone for your prayers and positive thoughts, it was a hard journey, with an unexpected last path, but a great, beautiful ending.

Day two

2009-11-04T09:26:00.002-06:00

As we reach the next 24 hours of Abby's birth, there is progress. Julie had an epidural in the middle of the night after having some nasty contractions. As of 930 this morning she is about 5 centimeters dilated, so we are hoping Abby gets the hint to come on down since we all can't wait to see her!!

at the hospital

2009-11-03T11:19:00.001-06:00

This is Dan, Julie and I are at the hospital now. Julie went in for a check up and her fluids were low, so the doctors said today is the day!

So we are waiting now to see what the plan is, but Abby will be on the way soon!!

I know...

2009-09-22T09:18:00.003-05:00

I don't call... I don't write....Its been a while but I've been posting on the baby blog and you can always check that out. http://onebunintheoven.blogspot.com

All is well - the next few months will be busy with moving and classes and Dr.'s appts. So excited to see this little girl.

Mostly the last few days I was thinking about what a joy it has been to be on this ride with Dan. He is just as excited and sometimes even more excited than I am about being a parent and meeting Abby. I feel so blessed to have them both - you know those moments where you feel your heart expand? There's been a few of those over the last few weeks and I imagine a lot more to come once Abby is here. I can not wait to see Dan holding her and talking to her and giving her a kiss. That is the vision that I dream about the most because I know how much he loves her already and I can't wait to see his face when he looks at her for the first time and sees his daughter. When I get scared or worried that is the vision I most hold on to - and pray that I will get see that moment.

Its weird that getting closer to having the baby makes me worry that something will happen to me. I come up with weird things for Dan to promise - which makes him mad that I think something bad could happen - but just things I want him to do - if I am not here to do it. Like she can't get her ears pierced until she is 12 - write her a letter each month until she is a year old and then once a year on her birthday and tell her how special she is and what happened in the year- no cell phones or texting unless she is a good student and even then only when she is in high school - that she has to take a drivers ed class - that some how finding a way to help her always be proud of herself and secure in who she is (the best gift we could ever give her). Stupid things like that but somehow I have to say them, just in case. Plus I try to get him to promise that if something happens she is more important than me. Yeah, now I can't stop crying. Time to change the subject :)

Anyone that knows Dan would not be surprised to hear that he has been a rock though all of the pregnancy's ups and downs and my ups and downs. He has been 150% supportive and 150% helpful. He has taken such good care of me and the baby. I can only pray that our daughter is like him because she will be such a wonderful person - I guess she can have a little of me for variety but God willing she will be as sweet as Danny. We all joke that she is being stubborn when it comes to ultrasounds and heartbeats but maybe its not - maybe she is shy! Which would be more like Dan! Woo hoo! I'll take it!

Mostly I just wanted to say thank you Danny. Without you I wouldn't be a soon to be mommy or be as happy as I am. You are the best (which is not a good enough word!)!! 143 as always! More than all the chocolate in the world!

Whats in a name?

2009-09-01T09:44:00.004-05:00

Well we've named her :)

Abigail Therese or Abigail Grace... the cat got out of the bag so we told everyone :) Well that's a 90% name since you never know - she may not look like an Abby at all :) Zoe didn't become the Elle or Ella she was going to be!

Almost 28 weeks and that's awesome. I love, love, love that if she was born now she would have a really good chance of survival. Still completely terrified that something will happen between now and when she is born. We've lost so much along the way, especially being blind to what can happen, that I am always worried about still birth. I think that is why I really don't want to go past 38 weeks. I am so afraid to get to the end and not have her. Even saying the name made me wonder if we jinxed something. Ugh. And then I feel her move and think, well we are ok for now. God, I just love her so much already.

We never decided about a class...there is still time but we need to get signed up. I don't think I feel an urge to do with this without an epidural but I said I would see how far I could get, maybe I have a tolerance or maybe not. Who knows it may not matter in the end, it may just be a c-section. I wish they would just beam her out - less pain :) But all these things serve a purpose so I guess its natures way of making things work.

I got my stroller for my birthday! Woo hoo - love it:) It was all I could do not to put it together :) And the pretty pandor.a bracelet beads above from Dan and baby Abby!! It was a set called "Its a girl" sweet!!

WOW...am I bad

2009-08-25T12:56:00.003-05:00

It's been almost a month since I posted. Where has that time gone?

Here we are almost 27 weeks. I can remember when all I wanted to do was get to 12 weeks...and then 24 weeks...now 38 is my goal. That's only 11 more weeks!

Yesterday was our due date for our angel baby from December. I cried a little and sent a prayer up to heaven. And said thank you for watching out for your little sister. I am sure that if we weren't expecting this little angel it would have been a much more difficult day, instead it was just a chance to be thankful for what we have now.

This is really amazing. I mean its real now, we are having a baby. She has a name. She is so loved already and we just can't wait to meet her - see her - kiss her. She moves now and kicks me and has moments where she must be doing flips. And I can feel so much of it and its so cool and so reassuring. Its still a little alien like but an amazing feeling.

Health wise - I'm doing ok. Swollen and fat. Maybe look more pregnant but I think it depends on what I wear. Blood pressure went up again (as of yesterday) a bit so new meds are ordered. Insulin needs jumped a lot in the last few weeks - which is normal - the highest amt needed is between weeks 24-34 - so there you go. I am not in love with the cpap machine but I keep using it - because I know that is the only way I am getting "real" sleep.

I stopped working (going to work) two weeks ago - waiting for short term disability to happen. Did a few projects from home in the mean time. Mentally and physically I just didn't have it. Its helped not to have to schlep in and have more time to rest plus getting some semblance of real sleep. We tried to go to a movie and walking any distance wears me out - it was sad. I fool myself into thinking I feel better that I do by being home. D'oh. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier to be in this situation.

What else? We are moving in a month. But it was that or move Nov 1st which seamed insane. A little scary to not know whats happening with the job in the long run but we are taking the chance that we can work it all out no matter what happens. Family garage sale this weekend. Big 41 next week...and I don't even care! I was a freak about turning 40 and now just happy to be pregnant and 41!

Next appt is in 2 weeks - have to sign up for a birth class soon - we get an ultrasound on that visit. Not holding out hope for a good picture at this point :)

I promise to update at least weekly....

PCOS and sleep apnea

2009-07-27T16:08:00.003-05:00

I know I posted about having sleep apnea on the other blog but I wanted to note that it was very interesting to me that people with PCOS (heavy or not) have a MUCH higher chance of having apnea. They don't know what the connection is - other then probably a hormonal thing.

Here is what I can tell you - that you don't know you aren't breathing - seriously - not once have I woken up knowing I wasn't breathing. You may wake up once in a while (like every 45 minutes) or so where you wake up to consciousness but 90% of the time its your brain waking up enough to get you to breath without you even knowing it. Crazy.

What happens when you have an episode of sleep apnea?
When you stop breathing during sleep due to sleep apnea, the balance of oxygen and carbon dioxide in the blood is upset. This imbalance stimulates the brain to restart the breathing process. The brain signals you to wake up so that the muscles of the tongue and throat can increase the size of the airway. Then, carbon dioxide can escape, and oxygen can enter the airway. These waking episodes are necessary to restart breathing (and to save your life), and you may not remember them, but they do disrupt your sleep and cause daytime exhaustion.

The most common symptoms of obstructive sleep apnea (OSA) that you may notice include:

*Excessive daytime sleepiness, which is falling asleep when you normally should not, such as while you are eating, talking, or driving.

*Waking with an unrefreshed feeling after sleep, having problems with memory and concentration, feeling tired, and experiencing personality changes.

*Morning or night headaches. About half of all people with sleep apnea report headaches

*Heartburn or a sour taste in the mouth at night.

*Swelling of the legs if you are obese.

*Getting up during the night to urinate (nocturia).

*Sweating and chest pain while you are sleeping.

Symptoms of sleep apnea that others may notice include:

*Episodes of not breathing (apnea), which may occur as few as 5 times an hour (mild apnea) to more than 50 times an hour (severe apnea). How many episodes you have determines how severe your sleep apnea is.

*Loud snoring. Almost all people who have sleep apnea snore, but not all people who snore have sleep apnea.

*Restless tossing and turning during sleep.

*Nighttime choking or gasping spells.

Thank you dr. goog.le

Nice

2009-07-21T23:25:00.002-05:00

Quite the sexy contraption - but its supposed to help all kinds of muscle ache and back pain issues. Because it feels like everything is seperating or is tired. Crazy but I ordered it yesterday. Review to follow. You should have seen Dan's face :)

Just saying hi

2009-07-10T16:42:00.002-05:00

How long has it been since I posted? Too long.

My goodness.....Julie is talking like crazy in her sleep! I think I am going to start writing the things down that she is saying. I swear one of the lines was about the TV being too big for that area. Its funny because she'll be talking in her sleep, then wake up and say something to me. I had to make sure she was actually talking to me and not to me in a dream.

Julie talks about waiting for the other shoe to drop, in regards to something bad happening. She asked me if I feel the same and I say no. Not that I am naive and don't think something bad can happen. I guess it could, but in my heart I don't think so. I truly think that this December Julie will be holding gummy bear by the tree while I get stuck at work on Christmas :)

The last round of IVF, we both went in with a lets not get our hopes up attitude. After losing the baby last round, we didn't want to feel that same pain. We both did that in a way to not let it hurt so much if it didn't work. Well, boy...or girl did it work. I don't feel that I have to do that now, because in my heart I know it worked, and will work all the way.

Now all the other stuff that happens after she is born is starting to scare me!

Loving this ride

2009-07-07T15:53:00.003-05:00

I’ve spent so much time worrying about this baby girl and too little time enjoying these wonderful moments. I would be willing to bet a lot of money that this will be my only pregnancy (ok, I actually do realize that this isn’t my only pregnancy – I’ve had a few – but this is probably the one and only that will result in a child) but it’s certainly over 60% chance that this is it pregnancy wise. I should be enjoying every moment, right?

And it’s getting easier to do that. Can I just say…FINALLY. The last few days I’ve been feeling her move more – little flutters and pops. Every time it takes my breath away and makes me feel like we might actually have a baby – our baby girl at the end of this road. It makes my heart fill with joy, for what feels like tangible proof that she is there and ok as far as I can tell. I still have my db moments and I guess I will always be worrying about this in some fashion – do you stop worrying about your child once it’s born – no, you just worry about different things. This is my version of worrying about things now – like still birth - that will hopefully progress into something else – like worry over SIDs or boyfriends or some other fun thing to worry about.

Seriously I can’t wait until I can feel her all the time. I will be SO reassured. Because part of me is surprised every time too, that I feel her or heard her heart beat or saw her on the ultrasound screen. Infertility just makes you expect that other shoe to drop. Being totally honest, I still expect it. I just seem to be able to enjoy the in between times, now if we can just get them to last longer.

I feel like I am in a weird place in blogging – this started out as a place to talk about infertility and IVF and our experiences. I read so many blogs (that I still read today) that gave me hope. I couldn’t ever find someone just like me –and in some weird thought I hoped maybe we can be a closer fit for some else. We have such a hodgepodge of issues. The infertility side was affected by my medical side but was less relevant than the fact that we had to do IVF in order to have a child because of ICSI. Hopefully our blog can progress into something else - I hope so – I know some of you need the completion of the story. I would if I was reading! And maybe someone new will find this and learn something about high risk or diabetes or something else that will make their road a little easier. That would be cool.

Now on this side of IF, my medical issues are playing a larger part on the pregnancy. Being high risk is scary – that is probably why I won’t ever feel completely safe until this one is born and healthy and all that. You don’t forget (at all) about how hard cycles for IVF are or any part of the pain of infertility. But you do sure as hell feel like every bit of heartache and pain and prayer actually was actually worth it. But now I feel like we have more to lose. Before this cycle - even with a loss – the reality of having a baby was less tangible - so much less real. At least that's how it was for me. Even now it is still a process of becoming real. I must be slow to process or something - I swear I was married two years before I really felt married. Does that mean that I will just start feeling pregnant and it will be over? I think it’s just part of not believing I could be so lucky...so lucky to have Dan or so lucky to have this little girl.

Being high risk is another part of this that is weird but it feels reassuring – most of the time because they are watching me closely and I’ve seen baby girl much more often than most would get to at this point in the pregnancy because of that. I go to the endocrinologist for the diabetes every other week and a maternal fetal medicine ob on the opposite weeks – so I’ve been going in every week. When I am at home or at work – except for times of being extremely tired I feel ok. My blood sugar is good – hba1c was 5.4 – within normal range – even considering my dive of the deep end when we stopped the oral meds. I’ve had some energy and breathing problems, I don’t feel it all the time but when I do, it’s like I am dragging around a ton of bricks but it only lasts for a short period of time - or so it seems. Like the morning walk from the car to my office can be a drag. Where I wish I could stop and sit down for 5 minutes in the middle. And then other times its fine. The doctor thought maybe sleep apnea but I'm starting to think it’s not. If I can get Dan to stay awake longer than me, maybe he can see if I am struggling or not to breath. Snoring, talking and crazy dreams are the norm now. Oh and peeing. So I wake up every 45 -90 minutes. And I do mean every. But the blessing is I can fall right back to sleep. Even while peeing. What a talent! Let see anything else? We have heartburn - bloody noses - swollen feet - weird breathing - tired. I think that's it so far. And we are half way there (I bet more than)!

I am amazed at all the things we have to figure out – a name – what to register for –where we are going to live (because our lease is up in Nov) – how to work and have a kid – day care for said kid - find places now and get on waiting lists for daycare?– birth classes – take them – not – register early or not? – ahh yeah, that was what I could think of in 2 seconds. Factor in that you want to have the kid early – before the chance of still birth because of diabetes is a factor but oh wait – you’ve kind of been told that preeclampsia is probably in your future so then does that matter?

It may be making me a little crazy but I don’t want off this ride just yet. It may not be the smoothest ride but I knew that going in - I just want the prize at the end!

Just stuff about being pregnant

2009-06-19T10:57:00.005-05:00

I wrote this post a week ago and didn't quite finish it... so I thought I update with current thoughts :)

Did I tell you I am having a daughter? Did I tell you how much fun it is to buy her tiny little pink clothes? Especially ones that say things like " I love my daddy". I know its probably hard to find something that isn't cute in terms of baby clothes but seriously I need to stay out of the stores! OMG the little newborn stuff is SO tiny and SOOOOO cute just because its so small. I actually hugged one of the outfits last night when I was showing it to Dan and imagined her in it. I can't wait. I adore the thought of it - her wearing it and me snuggling her!

So I am a little worried that her first word will be a swear word - just from driving with me in the car lately. I have no patience and swear at people ALL the time. Especially on the way home when I am more crabby and tired. I can't seem to stop. Now I say - cover your ears little girl when I start the car on the way home. I'm trying to remember to talk to her more when I'm at home. And rub the tummy. Well here it is a week later and I can say I can't seem to stop doing that now!

I'm still afraid of going to the doctor and her being gone. I have to imagine it's normal to some degree but I still worry - I've read too many heartbreaking stories not to think it can't happen. I know that the odds are in our favor but hey its hanging out there in my mind. You know biggest fear and all that. Yeah and then I watched baby story last night and there was a baby born without fingers on one hand and they had no idea until it was born. I found something new to worry about! Well not really new - I just want her to be ok. I went for an appt on Monday and it was the first MFM appt where they could pick up her heartbeat with the Doppler - so I didn't get an ultrasound. That made me a little sad. I feel sorry for other mommies who didn't get that reassurance every two weeks. Just seeing her for a second was all I need. But I did get to hear her moving and the weird woshing sound that the placenta makes.

Being plus sized and pregnant. I hate that I don't look pregnant just fatter. Being plus sized does take some of the enjoyment out of being pregnant - at least for me. And it adds a whole new side of things to worry about - stupid things like will the baby bump move up and look more normal or will it be squished by all my tummy fat? Is the baby squished by the fat? Then I think - fats lighter than muscle so maybe not. Pictures - I don't want to take them and I am pissed at myself for not documenting this more because I don't want to remember how fat I am right now - maybe when I look more pregnant I'll change my mind. I worried that I won't want pictures of myself with the baby - well at least not ones that show how fat I am - and that makes me sad. But then again I promised myself that we would get professional pictures taken towards the end of the pregnancy to document it. I found someone who seems to be sensitive to "bad body parts" and can crop things well.

I think this is one of the reason I doubt we will do another IVF - or if we do just harvest the eggs for future use. I am not keeping this body after baby girl is born. I want off the insulin asap -well I will have to wait until we stop breast feeding but believe me - I have never looked forward to a diet in my life like I am now!

Weird thing to realize - we went to a family graduation party over the weekend. It's weird to be around people who have kids graduating from high school that are the same age as you - and are wishing you well for being pregnant and then saying how old are? With a funny look like, glad I am not you!

I ordered my first maternity clothes and I hope they fit and maybe give the impression that I might be pregnant. I didn't order pants with the funky band thing in them yet. I just bought a few pair of regular pants that had elastic bands and so far they are working - a few I bought in a bigger size are actually still too big so I got a bell.y type band to keep them up. Mostly what I noticed is that things don't seem long enough so I was hoping that the tops I got might be a bit longer. And what is really amusing to me is that UPS just delivered the package :)

Let see what's happened in the last week - getting another pay cut (we just got one two weeks ago) - someone is being let go but it can't be me because I am pregnant (but it would have been me because I am the most recent hire). Yes, lets just say work sucks right now. We've been busy too and now all this stress stinks too. I feel very, very guilty and part of me wishes it was me! But I'd like to keep my disability insurance so that if I do get yanked early (which I expected to) then I will be making almost the same - lol. with the pay cuts maybe its the same! Dr.s appts next week and then the level II ultra sound will be on July 11th. Fun stuff. I can't wait to see her.

No, it's not Father's day but...

2009-06-12T10:56:00.000-05:00

It seemed like a good idea in concept - give the grandpa's a shirt for Father's Day saying "Grandpa to a new baby XXX". Fun and surprise, right? Because everyone would be together and find out at once.

But we couldn't wait to tell our families... and I stink at keeping a secret and they really wanted to know what we are having. So now everyone gets to know....

We are having a baby GIRL!!!

We seem to be missing males in the next generation of our family - this will be the 4th girl on Dan's side and 2nd on mine but we are super excited. We just went around saying - a girl - a daughter - wow. Well I did and Dan had to listen to it!

WOOO HOOO

2009-06-11T16:04:00.002-05:00

We are in the clear and are having a _______! Well I can't tell you yet :)

But all the tests came back normal. Big cheesey grin and a big thank god!

16 weeks

2009-06-11T10:23:00.001-05:00

Wow 16 weeks. I have been a little bad about reading the pregnancy books the last few weeks and thought I would take a glance last night – I forgot that we were here and looked up 14 weeks – thought the baby was supposed to be bigger…it took a few minutes.

So we had the amnio on Tuesday. They finally did a measurement US beforehand and we know the baby is measuring 16 weeks – so about 3 days ahead now. We saw it open its mouth, move its arms and legs, saw its little nasal bone that we missed before and basically just fell more in love with it.

I felt relieved that this office has done a lot of amnios – I think my doctor that day had already done two or three before us. I loved the doctor – he explained everything and was very reassuring. I actually ended up seeing him the day before because of blood pressure issues from over the weekend. Needless to say I am on new meds. My guess is that this will be my downfall in the end.

The pain from the needle wasn’t any worse than a PIO shot that you haven’t iced but when he went into the uterus that cramp that followed was quite intense. I think that part felt really long - like 5 minutes - but actually was only 30 seconds. I had a few cramps throughout the day but nothing as bad as the first one and I never leaked any fluid or anything so we were fine. I thought it was sweet that the ultrasound tech made sure to show me the heart beat after the procedure. I wasn’t afraid of something happening during the procedure but after if I was leaking fluid.

So now we wait and I have to tell you this feels a lot like the wait for a beta but you have to wait 2 or 3 days. And you are just as afraid of the results – because you’ll be happy if it’s good but so sad if it’s bad. I was able to put it aside for the two weeks it took to get to the test but now we know we are going to know and I am scared. They did the FISH test which means that we should, assuming the sample was good, have results no later than Friday. OMG my phone just rang at work – no one was there but I had to call Dan and see if they called. What a dork. I wish I had just had them call here but I was afraid of bad news at work. Now I just want to know. Plus I think its Dan’s turn to get good news (I am hoping) to share for once.

Oh, and you have to wait until Fathers day to find out the gender :) We decided to do something fun since we’ll have families together to give the GP a gift that announces it.

I hate waiting!

All ok on the baby front

2009-06-02T12:16:00.005-05:00

I had an OB appt - which I think is funny because it's just a chat - they never check me for anything at this point. They did the heartbeat scan which is getting faster now that the baby is bigger - she can zero in and get the hb and bam - she's done. Not great for getting a look at the baby - all I saw was wiggly legs and the abdomen (I guess) as she moved up to the heart.

My relief was that it was still in there and growing since I stopped all the supporting meds. Finally :) It's been a week and all is well but you worry that maybe it was too soon. Well I do!

Oddly enough it was the very nice doctor who called me last week - I told him how I forgot his name and when we called back they didn't have a clue what Dan was talking about - but that in the end we need the "processing" time anyway. I think he spent half the appt laughing at me and my weird questions - which was fine. Very, very nice and humored me.

I asked about the blood pressure - as it was 140/82 - which seems like it should be going down now - since I am on meds - and if its not working can I stop because it makes me TIRED. What I got was instructions to get an at home blood pressure monitor and to take it twice a day. Bring the number in :) Great more homework!

I asked about the cramps - and its normal for some people - gee thanks. Drink water and lay down was what I was told. Seriously, I drink a lot of water during the day and at night and who can lay down at work? As long as there is no bleeding/discharge and it doesn't last its ok. I was hoping he'd say it would stop soon :)

I can't remember if I posted this but the amnio is next Tuesday - and I think I am excited to spend the day with Dan - that is one good thing out of the deal. I guess there is a rapid test called FISH that can get answers (with a good sample) within 3-4 days - not the final final answer but mostly. So maybe even by the end of the week we will know something. And we get to know the gender....woo hoo. We seem to be ok and not worrying very much about the odds. I am more worried about the amnio itself than the risk for downs. Random moments of fear but feel like we are doing a good job of pushing it aside.

Weirdly enough we seem to have names picked out. Not 100% sure but probably 85%. Guess we thought about this a lot along the way.

That's about all - feel good. Been busy at work and sleep is changing so tired because of that but not the I want to sleep more than I want to breathe tired :) Oh and more of a poofy abdomen. Even Zoe noticed. I like patting it and saying hi to the baby!

Testing-WTH did I do it? or Why is everything HARD?

2009-05-29T12:38:00.003-05:00

Well I couldn't decide if I wanted to post about this or not. Well I did want to but I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to say except "AHHHHHHHHHHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH". Which really didn't seem all that effective. You would just be wondering what that was all about.

So I got a call from the MFM office on Tuesday afternoon. Test results. Not good. (His words) Then tells me the test for one of the deadly chromosomal test came back as 1-2060 or something like that. Well that seems ok - ahhh no wait - he continues. Downs test - not good (again!) 1 in 12 - or 10% chance that the baby has downs. WHAT? That was in my head. OH CRAP. That too. Outloud it was a lot of umm, ok, ummm. Kind of like the blind nodding to everything verbal. If I want a CVS I have to do it in the next two days. Why - because you can only do it until 13 w 5 days - and I was a day or two away from that. And I asked - is it more risky at the end of the time period - Yes he said but its all relative - as in very small percentage compared to how many they do. (REALLY - tell someone who has done 5 ivf cycles that its all relative - right, nice and relative until its you miscarrying.) Whatever - no freaking chance I was doing that! What if the days are off slightly - why would I do something more risky than the amnio just to know the answer faster? NO WAY. I need the safest way!

Scare the crap out of Dan when I call him because as soon as I hear his voice I start to cry - which then freaks him out because I can't say anything - oh and I am at work. I can only imagine what he thought - and honestly this is the one thing he's feared since before we ever tried to get pregnant. Poor Dan, I know he is having a hard time with this and I wish I could make it so he isn't worrying.

Anyway - there was a little freaking out - then calming down - remembering that my sister had wonky numbers on her test (which she had a amnio and all was fine). So there was the what if?discussion. And the its probably not discussion. And the what if? again. Gee this is really fun. Back and forth.

Nuts and bolts of it all - we are having an amnio on the 9th - two weeks to get results. We will get results so we know and can prepare but we decided that we love this baby and it is our blessing no matter what. Not worrying (much) until we know we have something to worry about. Honestly the amnio scares the crap out of me. It just seems like if there's an odd out there my body feels like it should test the boundaries of it all. I do not want to loose this baby. And I will tell you now, if I do and there was nothing wrong with it, I will kick someones ass. I just had to say that! I really did not want this test but I do want to know - I want to be prepared and I can't unless I know. Can you say a few more prayers for us? You know I mean about the amnio, right? Everything else will be ok!!

2nd Trimester

2009-05-26T12:47:00.005-05:00

On a side note - we've been doing this for a year. The first post was 5/20/2008! Almost 300 posts!

You know - I thought I had to be 14 weeks to be in the second trimester. And then I looked at the ticker and it said it started 5 days ago... at 13 weeks I guess. I have to say that has been on of the most confusing parts of being pregnant - when the trimesters happen! Depending on the resource it seems to change all the time. Since it seems better to be in #2, and I am almost at 14 weeks I'll take it either way.

I am officially off of the love.nox as of a week ago. And halves on the estrogen patches and 1/3 down on the progesterone inserts. Way nervous to be off this stuff. But I think I am going to go cold turkey by the end of the day. I am tired of the inserts and the patches too I guess.

You know what else is confusing is knowing when you are supposed to do things - like how often am I supposed to go to the doctor? How often do they do a ultrasound for the heartbeat vs one that measures the baby? I knew how to navigate the IVF world but I am having a hard time navigating the high risk pregnancy world. I just ordered two books from Ama.zon to see if that would help me know what to ask and what to expect. I like feeling like I have a say in what is happening.

I still have dead baby thoughts - and try to reassure myself that if it was I would miscarry - so at least I would know. I think that is why I am afraid of stopping the meds. Everything was fine when we went last week - well that was the impression but we haven't had a good scan since 9 weeks. That will be 6 weeks by the time I go back! This is where its all fuzzy - am I supposed to ask for it? They just kept scheduling the heartbeat scans...ugh. I am sure its too late to schedule it for next weeks appt. So do I cancel that appt (esp. since the time of the appt stinks) and just go a week later? UGH. That is a LONG time to wait between appts. See what I mean!!! I can only see the diabetes doctor on Monday afternoons - but I can email her. So if I cancel that and move it out to two weeks thats fine. The rest can be anytime in the afternoon. Maybe that will work better. But I have to call. Ugh. Scary scheduling lady that knows all but really doesn't.

I posted on the other blog too. Just more general stuff :)

Oh - and can someone tell me if I am supposed to STILL be getting cramps?? And I do mean cramps like AF is coming but usually don't last very long. Some days they are stronger than others or I notice them more than other times. When I look it always talks about early pregnancy... should it still be happening?

Pregnancy and beauty

2009-05-20T11:03:00.001-05:00

OK, so I have to tell you a secret…l’m pregnant. Can you believe it? Ha, I can’t. Well it only took 10 weeks or so but I’ve actually started to think that I am pregnant, I mean out loud and in my head. Believe 100% that I will have a baby at the end of this – well not yet but at least I think it might happen now. So overall I will say that I am a little less scared, a lot happier in being pregnant and doing my best to enjoy it.

As for the whole glowing and feeling beautiful thing – apparently that is not my path. My path is hair on my head falling out in clumps – so much so that it seems like I should be bald, increased gray hairs – even in places like eye brows and nose hairs (gross). Ah, greasy hair, greasy skin. Oh and the pimples (esp around my nose) are insane. You know they say your nose gets bigger, I think it’s because of the pimples!

Being poly cystic I thought I was used to weird hair growth on my face (and thank you laser treatment, it was mostly all gone) until I got pregnant. I am pretty sure that every hair on my face is now back, black and protruding out in a weird angle. By the end of the pregnancy I will have a beard I am sure.

Did I mention my boobs – like the fact that I am extremely lopsided? I mean like at least a full cup size smaller on one side – possibly even a little more? It is really weird. I keep expecting it to even out but it’s not happening so far, if anything it seems to be getting more exaggerated. Although I admit it could be in my head.

Oh and if you are already look like you are 15 months pregnant before you even get pregnant you might wonder what will happen…for me so far it looks like I will carry the baby between my knees. I must have no lower abdominal muscle because I swear I am pooching out so low! Please send a prayer that things move up or else I will be dragging the belly on the ground by the end!

So now you have the picture…lopsided, pimply, greasy, balding, gray nose haired, with a beard, hunched over, dragging a baby belly on the ground. And perfectly happy about it!

12 weeks

2009-05-15T15:14:00.002-05:00

http://onebunintheoven.blogspot.com/

Big milestone to pass. Well I thought I could tell you I feel different - if anything I feel less symptom wise. Had a cold for the last 4 days so maybe that's been overriding everything. I didn't stop my meds yet even though they told me I could at 12 weeks. I want to wait until I know the baby measure 12 weeks - then I will stop. We have only had heartbeat scans recently and I want to know what the baby is measuring before I stop. Its only 5 extra days or so - I don't think that will hurt anything.

I posted the link to the other blog - will be baby related and probably more upbeat and less about any emotions related to the pregnancy. We passed it on to IRL friends and family - although we did find out they could if they wanted to link back to this site until I fixed it today. Opps. I don't care, there isn't a bit that I would be embarrassed about - but its a lot personal for IRL sometimes.

We actually had someone ask us last week if we were going to have more kids. We laughed and we like - let us get though this first. In the end we had to say it was a struggle to get this far, not that we don't want more kids. It didn't make me upset or mad or anything like that it just made me aware of how most people just think of things in there own perspective - which in this case must have been very easy - so I can see where she thought it just was for everyone.

Talking about Religion *** don't want to offend anyone ***

Another discussion Dan and I had was about the Cat. Chur.ch and their feelings about IVF. I read something when I was waiting at my doctors appt. that they had recently come out again very strongly against IVF - and basically said wanting to have a child is not a reason to have a child in this manner (where conception takes place outside the body).

I am not ashamed of how our child was conceived - in fact I feel quite proud - this was a miracle for us. We could not have conceived in any other fashion. But we want to raise our child in that church -(I believe it is expected of us) and to have them go to that type of school -I worry that it will be a problem doing that.

I do not want this baby to ever feel badly about how it was conceived and nor do I want to hide it. So I guess we need to find out more about it. It kind of sucks when you stop and realize that "they" probably think this baby is a sin? I hope not, I guess we need to figure that all out. I certainly don't think that anyone other than g-d made this possible. While it wouldn't be the first time I disagreed with something that the church said - I just don't want the gummy bear to have a problem because of the choice we made.

Happy 3rd Anniversary Dan

2009-05-11T23:46:00.004-05:00

It has been a wonderful three years being married to you, I wouldn't change a moment of it. You are my best friend, my love and my hero. You make me want to be a better person everyday. I love you more than I could ever show you or tell you. Quite simply I adore you and I always will. I can't wait to see what the next year will bring!

Wedding Video date? If only we still had the wedding cake to enjoy...

11 weeks 5 days

2009-05-11T19:55:00.001-05:00

See if you can find the baby :)

On the eve of Mother's Day

2009-05-09T13:17:00.003-05:00

Dear Baby,

Thank you for making me a mother. I've waited a really long time to be one, my whole life, I think. I can certainly tell you that it was the one thing I was always sure that I wanted to be when I grew up. You've given me the some of the happiest moments and the scariest moments so far in my life. Right on course kid, I guess you are taking your job seriously. Although if you could maybe limit the scary ones for a while, I'd certainly appreciate it. Most kids wait until they are a little older to scare their parents, if you know what I mean.

I wish I had words to tell you what it feel like to be your mommy. Right now it feels like one of the biggest blessings in my life. I am sure that this full feeling of being your mommy will not be fully realized until I can see your sweet little face in person. But there are many emotions that are real right now, love is probably the strongest. This love fulls my heart when I think of you and put my hand on my tummy, or when I talk to you, its that same feeling I get sometimes when I look at your daddy, a wonderful little heart stretch and expanding with love. You don't think your heart could be any more full but somehow it grows even more. That's the feeling. Someday I hope you get to look at someone and feel it too. Although if you start with mommy and daddy that would be cool.

I adore you and I can't wait to meet you. To see you, to know what you'll look like, who you will look like, who's eyes will you have, who's hair? Who will you be like? I am hoping you will be more like your daddy - nice and laid back. Someone everyone likes, but if not I will promise to always be there to help you (since that means you are like me...poor kid!) I think about this a lot and am so excited to find out. From this point in our life together it seems like a wonderful adventure to see who and what you will be. And we, as your mommy and daddy get this amazing front row seat to help you learn and grow and turn into a person. It seems odd but that part of being a mommy doesn't scare me. Somehow I know that you will always be someone I will be proud of, that I will love and be honored to have in my life. You may not always like me as much but hopefully we will survive that part of life too (teen years - and this is where I especially hope you are NOT like me!).

I am realizing that the path we took to get here matters little to me now. It matters to me that there are other people on that path and it matters that the path sucks. It matters to me that there are people who can't feel this small sense of joy, just because there blessing hasn't arrived yet. I remember other mother's days, where I was sad that I wasn't a mother and I hate that anyone feels that. But somehow because of you I seem to be letting go of the bitterness of all the cycles. I would do it another 100 times if it meant I would have you. It just doesn't matter - you would be worth any and every sacrifice. What is most important to me is that you come home with us in November, happy and healthy with a bright future ahead of you. As we get closer to the 12 week mark I feel a little bit safer envisioning that happening.

So thank you baby or gummy bear as your daddy likes to call you. Thank you for making our dream of you come true and making new dreams for us to dream every day. We love you. I love being your mommy. Thank you for giving me the chance, I will do my best. I love you. And I always will, just like I will always be your mommy.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mommies or mommies to be or someday mommies or mommies of angels. May you only feel loved on this day.

10 weeks 6 days

2009-05-07T13:34:00.007-05:00

or is it 11 weeks. All depends on who you talk to and what our due date is. I guess if you go with Thanksgiving day then we are 11 weeks today.

I feel very unprepared to be pregnant and very lost as what to expect, what to watch for, what to be concerned about and most importantly what I can ignore. When we were starting IVF I found a great resource in an online IVF group on of all things a pg site. A great bunch of women who had all kinds of knowledge and experience in IVF - there were newbies like me at the time and people who had tried many times with many cycles. That is where I started following blogs and expanding out to more and more. There were people to cycle with, to answer your weird questions, to understand your failure and support you completely because they understood what you were going through. And as time passed I had knowledge to pass on, support to give, joy to share in sucess.

But now I am sort of on the other side. But I don't fit with the November birth buddies - there are hardly, if any from the IVF board - not many high risk over 40 first time mommies. These are young 20 somethings with kids already in some cases. God bless them. I can't bring myself to sign up or join the board because I don't feel like I fit there. I don't feel like I fit anywhere. So I don't know what to do with myself. SO I vent here.

I'm still afraid of bad things - I feel like I am having crazy digestive issues - that cause weird pains that I don't know if I am supposed to worry about them or not. Like today my lower back is killing me, mostly on the right side. Is it because we tried switching sides of the bed last night and my body doesn't like Dan's side of the bed? Is there something else wrong? I've taken 3 Tyle.nol since 9 am and haven't seen much relief. Is it some kind of ligament thing, a gas pain, I slept weirdly, labor or what? Seriously I am feel very much like a hypochondriac these days - at least in my head - and probably to Dan.

We have books - 4 of them now - and I read them but it doesn't tell you what things feel like. I miss having someone to ask my weird questions or someone who will understand my overwhelming fear at times. I do have one friend who has been through this - and you know what I remember most - is how miserable she was while she was pregnant. That somehow being 40 and pregnant is not as nice as 20 and pregnant.

I think it's just the unknown and I guess the known bad things that I know have happened to other people. Sometimes a little knowledge can be a bad thing. I can tell myself over and over to relax, to only worry when I know something is worth worrying about, it just doesn't seem to matter. Other peoples losses scare the crap out of me.

Dan and I had a discussion about doing the amnio and what I had recently read - that they can't do the test until you are 15 weeks - and that by the time you get results it's around 18 weeks. And I asked what we would do at 18 weeks if it was a chance that the baby had downs? I hadn't ever thought we would actually terminate pregnancy but at 18 weeks it sounds even more traumatic. Would we do anything different was my question? The look on Dan's face when we talked about this last night was one I really don't want to see again. I guess we will take is as it goes and see how the first tests go and then decide what to do from there. I understand his fears, it is daunting enough to have a baby but a baby with special needs is really scary.

We do have fun talking about the future - talking about names - about what our family will be like - what it will be like to have a baby. I love those talks. I love the idea that we will have a healthy baby at the end of this pregnancy. I pray for that. I want that so badly, I think that is why I am afraid of every little twinge and pain.

10 weeks 4 days

2009-05-05T12:45:00.002-05:00

On Sunday my sort of SIL who is a mid-wife told me that I am a premiums pregnancy - which made me laugh - because it means that it took a lot to get you pregnant so its all at a premium.

I was sort of uninvited to my nieces birthday party because my MIL was sick - it was decided that I should miss parts of the birthday/first communion festivities to stay away from any sickness. Right there I should have known this would somehow jinx me.

Because where did I spend 5 hours yesterday? In the ER surrounded by so many germs that it made me feel like my skin was crawling. Ugh. Yep, there were a lot of people who thought they had the flu or did have it all in a little confined space. Lets just say that I was very liberal with the hand sanitizer and if I could have bathed in it then I would have.

Why you ask was I there? Because I had a pain - or what I can only describe as a HUGE Charley horse in my side. It started and then stopped and then started again. And basically scared me and a co-worker enough to talk me into going to the hospital. I did call the dr and got a machine. So another co-worked called for us - while we were driving - and I am saying well it just is twingey are you sure we should go - baby card is played and I am ok with going - he got a hold of someone and they send me to the ER.

So this all happens right before lunch - and I sat waiting with the co-worker (who was afraid to leave me) wishing I had just gone to the MFM clinic. By 2:45 I was calling up there asking if I could just come up and someone could make sure the baby was ok - because I just felt like I pulled a muscle at this point. No they are booked. UGH. This had to be the worst place to be. Seriously if I don't get sick I will be amazed! And it was all for a two second ultrasound that we heard the heartbeat (thank god) but didn't even get to see anything. And we left there at 5:30.

With a headache from not eating or drinking anything the entire time. Basically I got one of my basil test done. My doctor said blood work and urine was normal - baby ok - so they may not ever know what it was - unless it happens again. Hopefully it was just was a muscle thing - it feels sore today like that it was it was.

I can not spend every minute of this worrying that something is going to happen but how do I not? I know the worrying can't change anything from happening. But weirdly enough once I was sure I wasn't bleeding (which was the first thing I checked) then I was pretty sure the baby was ok. I just felt stupid to be there in the first place - even if they told me I should have come to make sure it was ok. But they can't do anything if it wasn't ok at this point. Ugh.

Can we just get to 12 weeks and relax a little bit? Please??? Ha. I laugh at the relaxing. Its all relative and I am so not done with the worrying. I want this baby too much!

10 weeks

2009-05-01T13:18:00.003-05:00

We are 25% done.

I know I should post more but there isn't anything exciting happening externally. Very, very little spotting. No new doctors appointments. Still super tired, sick some of the time, cramps off an on and poofed up girls - what has become the norm - oh and I can be SUPER crabby. That's about it.

I'm wishing for an ultrasound. I can't wait until next week to see the baby again. But I am afraid I will be disappointed because until the baby is bigger I think it is harder to see it abdominally on me who has a fat abdomen. I am hoping that we can either see it better or they do the vaginal ultrasound. I don't care as long as I get a good picture. Although according to the books it is growing a lot - about 2 inches now so bigger in another week. So maybe it will be fine. Ugh. I can't wait! I was actually trying to talk Dan into a package of Ultrasounds for 3d/4d or whatever. No luck yet. He has all the faith and I need all the proof.

We do have another blog to start for the baby but I want to wait until after 12 weeks. My mom is already talking about a baby shower and a crib as in she wants to buy us one...which made me cry and feel scared all at the same time.

9 weeks 3 days

2009-04-27T19:37:00.002-05:00

Wow, what a LONG day. I made the choice to get up at 5:30 and do work until 7:30am. I'm glad I did because it was a good jump start to the day and I knew I was going to miss part of the afternoon with my first doctors appts.

I left work at 12:10 and got back to work at 5:15 pm. Nice. Good thing I got up early but I am wiped now so this will be a quick report.

First get a label (a label??). To stick on your cup of pee. Yes, that is the first step of every visit.

Then weight (ahh 8 lbs less than Wednesdays appt). Which is probably a scale issue but I'll take it! Blood pressure...a little high. Sigh. More on that later.

Waiting room.

Next meet with nutritionist - have a plan - by mean for how many carbs for the rest of this trimester and then for the balance of the pregnancy (OK wow) - I was doing pretty good - just need to eat first thing vs waiting for when I got to work. More spaced out means - snack before bed - ice cream (whole fat) recommended! Back to keeping track of everything but that's OK.

Waiting room again.

Next ultrasound via abdominal scan...couldn't see to much but heartbeat was 168 and all was well. Maybe a little movement but too hard to see.

Then go back and wait.

Get called back for Physical - strip search I mean... Lots of waiting - nurse comes in to go over meds currently on...

Dr. comes - all is well - all I can say is cervix is high and closed and not much blood to speak of (she thought it was all old). All questions escaped my brain at this point so I didn't ask her about the bleeds and if they would follow them at next visit, etc.

Get dressed - back to waiting room...waiting...waiting...

And then find out the Dr was waiting for me in the exam room - this is the diabetic endo - most excellent. She went over everything - looked and where I am at with sugars and blood pressure - I have to go on blood pressure meds to protect kidneys - have to do some testing with my basil rates (rate of insulin that is continuously coming out of the pump - like a pancreas) which just involves skipping a meal and watching what happens with sugars. You basically skip all meals but just over a few days. Obviously treat highs and lows. She will be very proactive on care and make sure to keep me in tight control over the pregnancy. Interestingly enough I many not stay complete on the pump because by the end of the pregnancy you use 3 times as much insulin as when you start...more insulin resistant as you go. Best news was basically that I have the same chance as a non diabetic in terms of birth defects or miscarriage (so far) based on my blood sugar control - so even 2%. So I've done a good job so far and its worth it! I totally started crying at that news - because this was after she told me how bad it can be if you don't do this...ugh.

Then I was sent for another pee test and blood work. Walk entire hospital (well it felt like it) got lost twice and then finally find lab...and realize I forgot to make the next appointment! Walk back and everyone is gone. Call tomorrow. Next appt in two weeks - to see nutritionist, endo and mfm dr. - please say it won't take 4 hours this time!

Oh, and I've discovered I'm in love... with a gummy bear. That's a good thing right?

My post from Friday with a Sunday update

2009-04-26T13:12:00.003-05:00

This was my post that I never got to post on Friday…

First let me say this has been an exciting day already and half over.

Last night we were both tired – it’s been a long week so at about 9 pm we both agreed to go to bed. It’s Dan’s Monday anyway so it doesn’t hurt to get extra z’s right? Before going to bed I have to put in a progesterone insert – which came back with blood in and on the applicator. SHOCK. Not really feeling crampy or any more or less crampy than I feel when I put an insert in – now insert feeling of TERROR. Keeps bleeding – clots too. There were two that were about the size of the top quarter of your pinkie. Too big to not freak about.

At some point I take Tylenol PM because I decided that if I was going to lose the baby I wanted to sleep through it. I know, as if you could. But in the moment it made sense.
What can we do? I am sure that everything I am feeling is the same as the last time (in December) and that if I don’t as much as fart maybe we’ll be ok. I can totally see in Dan’s face that he is worried. And he wants to pet me – like pat my back or rub my arm in the same spot over and over – which is a sign that he is worried – which in turn makes me more worried and crabbier.

It seems to slow down after I lay down for a while – I even fell asleep for ½ an hour – get up and pee again – more blood – I think this is when the clots come out and the insert itself (weird). Seems to slow again. So we go to bed – Dan calls in to work so he can come to the appointment with me – which thank god we had it! Which thank god he did – there was no way I could have done it by myself.

All I could think about is its Dan’s birthday tomorrow. This cannot happen. Over and Over. I was like I will stay in bed for his party; I will do whatever it takes but please don’t let us loose our baby the day before Dan’s birthday.

We meet with a wonderfully nice doctor – she goes over everything – says we can have a scan but is reassuring that at this point a miscarriage is not likely since it did slow down etc. Part of me knows this but part of me expects the worst. I guess that was a habit that I should have not acquired. You just can’t win, you know? We go over all kinds of stuff, what to expect for appointments – how often – who will be involved with my care. I have a 4 hour appt on Monday for physical, doctor meeting, nutritionist and diabetic specialist. They we have to wait…for them to squeeze us in for an US.

So after all of that – we FINALLY get called in. We’ve been here two hours at this point. I had been having the worst gas pains ever and was worried that it wasn’t gas. I mean let’s face it when you don’t know what is going on you worry – when there is still light bleeding you are a damn freak. Then the tech tried to do the scan just over the abdomen – not happening but then we are thinking – it’s not there!! So we move around – she gets the dildo cam (that what we call it ) and then we see it – a baby like looking baby. Oh my heart just lept out of my chest I was so relieved and happy. It was still there and ok! And you can see the heart beating right away – it must be so much bigger than it was before because she didn’t even have to adjust the screen to make it closer. Plus we got to HEAR the heart beat. Amazing.

After we got our fill of what is now nicknamed the gummy bear she looked for the cause of the bleeding which is two very small subchronic bleeds – they are small bleeds between the placenta and uterus. She said it didn’t look like something to worry about or concern that it was threatening the pregnancy at this point. Obviously if it got bigger it would be a problem but now not a worry it should just reabsorb.

So updated on Sunday – still teeny tiny bits of spotting off and on yesterday but all seems well. I’m tired so it’s an easy excuse to take it easy. We celebrated Dan’s 37th birthday yesterday with both of our families coming over. I have to say that the best part was imaging that we would have someone else there to celebrate it next year. I’m actually starting to think that might happen. OMG! Wait that should be thank god!

I added both pictures because I noticed than Dan posted it upside down! And while Dan will tell you it is a boy it is too soon to say!! As always if you click on the picture it should be larger.

It don't come easy....

2009-04-24T16:05:00.003-05:00

You know it don't come easy.........

Last night we had a minor scare...well minor now. Julie had some bleeding. Of course we both thought about what happened last time. She was scheduled today for the high risk doctor, so we held our breath and went today. I had to play hooky from work, but I couldn't imagine being at work if she got bad news.

The day starts off in great Dan fashion as I back the car into the stupid fence in our parking lot...Julie opens the door and we can hear all the air coming out of the back tire....great!! I freaked out big time....sorry Julie!! We had to take my crummy beater....at least it got us there and back. I thought back to last year when we had car trouble and a miscariage...I guess its the L.ost fan in my coming out. What happened happened etc. I'm rambling now....

So we have the first meeting with the doctor who was very nice....but all i could think about was...we are having an ultrasound today right?!? To be honest I don't even remember everything she said.

They were great there and squeezed us in for an ultrasound. They tried the usual method, but that didn't work and they had to use the method Julie is more used to anyway.

There is the little gummy bear!! We even heard the heartbeat!! How cool was that?! Well...it was very!

It seems that this place will be way on top of things, which sounds great. Its close to Julie's work so that's good....if I could just avoid killing her car........

8 weeks 5 days or 6 days depending on who you ask...

2009-04-22T22:48:00.003-05:00

It's really not clear to me - the due date changes between 11/27 and 11/26 and the weeks count on either Thursday or Friday. Maybe at some point we'll get this all figured out.

Well first OB appt was a huge disappointment. I thought at least there would be some discussion of something but nope...here's how it went.

Nurse comes in says this is the 4th pregnancy...ah we stop and say nope this is the 5th if you count them all. Geeze. Asks what meds I'm on...we go over all of that. She's having issue with the amount of insulin I'm using...ok...well I need what I need to keep the blood sugar down. She starts to tell me she's a diabetic...ah yea. OK - not really what I am here to discuss or actually to be judged about. Oh and then I get on the scale...I say to Dan please close your eyes...mostly joking but not really! and then said something like I don't even want to know. Well she just announces it - so we all know what I weigh now. And then proceeds to tell me that I weighed x 6 months ago when I was then in October... which happens to be 30 lbs less. OMFG! yes I said 30 lbs. OK so that is bad enough but then she is lecturing me about it. Like why have you gained all this weight...ahhh a gazillion units of insulin a day... and oh a few fertility drugs...and then she takes my blood pressure. And its high. What a shocker. This is the nurse - not the doctor who is doing this - did I mention that??? Like I don't know how much weight I've gained. And she is like well you are really going to have to do something about this because this weight gain is really bad and you are pregnant now. Really??? Gee, so I said well my endo seems to care more about my A1c then the weight - we've talked about it - how unhappy I am about it - and that we will figure it out - after we get through the pregnancy. Wow. Even now I am annoyed by the nerve of this woman.

So she has me strip from the waist down...you know the drill. Except that the doctor comes in - with a form all filled out and says - not examining you - sending you straight to E Hospital to be treated there as a high risk pregnancy - they are a level 2 something and have a maternal and fetal clinic that specializes in high risk - they will manage your care - you should change your insurance to this hospital as then you won't need the referrals - call them and get in asap - get a level 2 ultrasound (which is somehow missing from my sheet) and genetic counselling and that is that - good luck. No sex - back to that again - stay on all meds - no exercise - whatever. Thank you for your copay. Spin on out the door. Oh but I can color my hair. I think that note is the highlight of my day. Seriously.

OK, so we call the insurance company - I can't switch to that hospital because I XX HMO and they only take HMO. Really. So I am in referral wonderland. But I have a new appt at 8AM on Friday - assuming that I can get the referral from today that fast. Not counting on it... but crazier things have happened.

So basically all this means is more calls tomorrow to see what I can get worked out. Joy. Oh and did I mention that the doctor totally made me feel like we are still so at risk for loosing the baby? I asked if we had less of a chance of a miscarriage now because we saw the heart beat...never got an answer other than we have to get to 12 weeks. UGH.

8 weeks 4 days

2009-04-20T07:42:00.003-05:00

All is well as far as I can tell. Sorry I am not posting much. I feel like I am just waiting for something to happen and nothing is really happening. While I will readily admit I am pregnant in my head I add "for now".

We've discussed starting a baby blog - we have a name. But haven't started it yet. This week - we will do it! Maybe.

So to answer a few questions...yes, we will find out the baby's gender and yes, we will tell you. What we won't tell anyone is the baby's name until after its born. Less discussion and opinions before hand.

Our next appt is Wednesday afternoon with the OB. I have a lot of questions about being high risk and what to expect - and who else will be providing care, etc. Should we really be expecting a c-section, how long does she think I can work, what problems does she thing I will have - all the fun stuff. So it should be interesting. We are going to get a "note" from the doctor so we can rent a Dop.pler to listen to the heartbeat. Plus I want to know when the next ultrasound is going to happen!! You know what joke we've heard every time...ask Tom and Ka.tie to borrow theirs. Silly thing is - I wish I could!!

7 weeks 6 days

2009-04-15T10:59:00.007-05:00

All is perfect - well that is what Dr. K said. I personally knocked on his desk when he said that :) And he knocked on his head :)

Measuring 7 weeks 3 days - 12.7 mm - heartbeat 160

So about the size of a raspberry - see above. How cute is that turtle! We could totally see the heart beating without the tech making everything super close. Amazing how much its grown in a bit over a week. I think I read it doubled in size already and something like 10,000 times the size of what it started when they put it back!

Both Dan and the U/S tech decided it will be a boy. We shall have to wait and see! We are officially released to our OB with the sheet to prove it! Due date is now set as 11/27/09.

Here is the E-baby :)

7 weeks 5 days

2009-04-14T10:36:00.002-05:00

We are still here - still pregnant by all accounts.

I hope everyone had a nice Easter. It was nice to be with family and hang out for a bit and eat yummy food.

Tomorrow is our last appointment with our RE - which is a crazy thought - oddly enough I got a letter from my fertility insurance reminding me that I didn't switch to a new doctor and I should soon, etc. Shouldn't they KNOW my status - they were basically asking me where I was in the process. D'oh. Anyway, I am excited to get another ultrasound. I think I will feel better if everything looks good.

Most of the weekend I didn't have a lot of symptoms - so I was sure something was wrong. Honestly I think that getting more rest on the weekend just makes you feel better overall. Then Sunday I was really tired...and have been really, really tired since then. And feeling more pucky again yesterday and today. I hate to say this but it makes me feel a little better when I feel bad - because at least I know its still there and hopefully cooking away.

I read another blog yesterday - someone in the early stages of being pregnant after repeat IVF's and a loss. She said she was working hard to not be afraid and to be happy. To enjoy getting as far as she was and to rejoice in the steps. All I could think was that is what I need to do too. I am trying, believe it or not. I don't think I will ever be the naive pregnant person but I can work on enjoying it and being excited and happy and not so scared.

Its just that I want this to work out so badly that its hard to completely chill out and relax. Plus I think I feel an added pressure because of having diabetes. I feel like everything I eat is so important, every blood sugar, etc. has such an impact. I don't want to be the reason or the cause of my child having something wrong with it. And I can just by eating the wrong things and not managing my blood sugars carefully. Don't get me wrong, I am all over being on top of it all but still - such a huge development time and so much responsibility. I wish Dan could take over for a little bit :) I'll take it back for anything painful, you know like labor. Wouldn't that be cool.

Will update tomorrow after Dr visit.

Uncharted Waters

2009-04-09T15:21:00.002-05:00

Wow. We did it....well Julie did it....and Dr. K and his staff. All I did was provide a cup with something in it last December. Crazy that what I did that day is now partially responsible for that. We are farther than we have ever been, in total uncharted territories. We are pregnant!

How did that happen? I'm wondering if we can sue Dr. K for child support?!

All bad jokes aside, this is truly an amazing, scary, happy, terrifying time. Its everything all wrapped into one. There are so many things to worry about. Will it stick? Will it be healthy? Will it have Julie's laugh and Piper's eyes? Piper?!?! Sorry, she is begging for more jellybeans right now. Piper already said she will be a great big sister/doggie to the baby. She loves kids so we know she'll be fine. Molly will probably just ignore her for the first five years or so, until Molly can get a good read on the baby.

The thing I really feel bad about is that Julie still can not fully feel happy. She is waiting for the other shoe to drop. She sometimes doesn't feel pregnant. I can only partly understand what she is going through. I know the fear she feels, I feel it too. She is the one with the baby growing inside of her, so she is more in tune as to what is going on. She wants this to work so bad, but doesn't want to feel what we felt last year. I can understand that, and when I try to tell her its going to work, I mean it. I truly feel that this is happening and will happen. Hopefully she will be able to enjoy it soon. Because she really deserves to be happy after all the hard work she has put in.

Anyone want to buy a bunch of comic books? I got diappers to buy......

6 weeks 5 days

2009-04-07T19:48:00.002-05:00

OK so apparently I was off a day...we've been one day more pregnant all along. That's what the 6 weeks 4 days meant yesterday! Baby measuring 6 weeks which at this point is fine - anything give or take a week is cool.

Woke up to spotting again - very mild not even as much as Saturday. Went to work and it was fine - by the time I was at work it was basically gone. Just scary because you don't know if its just a little spotting or the real deal in a bad way. Lets face it, there is no relaxing for a while.

Otherwise I think we are just letting it sink in. Trying not to think ahead too much although I've had a day dream or two about the future and what it could hold. I know that the odds of a miscarriage now are less than 5% but we've never done that great odds wise so I guess I need to get farther. Still I wouldn't trade the site of seeing our baby inside me for anything - the heartbeat just took my breath away. What a miracle.

We did tell my work yesterday - just because I'm going to be needing time for Dr appts and all the family knows at this point. The picture has been passed :)

6 weeks 3 days part 2

2009-04-06T13:27:00.005-05:00

Still pregnant. OK, I would actually say I am officially pregnant.

Measuring 6 weeks (nurse called and then said 6 weeks 4 days) with a heartbeat of 111. Will update with tiny picture later.

Thank god. What joy in seeing that tiny flutter. Honestly it was so tiny and the picture wasn't great. We say the yolk sack and fetal pole which I just figured out last night is the actual fetus.

Our next appt is next Wednesday - and then we are done. We get to see our doctor that day but then we are off to the ob. Crazy.

I can stop the PIO shots which will make Dan, my butt and my blood sugar all happy. Me a little scared to stop anything! But I guess we only keep the meds going for another month a most.

Could this actually be real? Still to early for me. I'm happy but going to keep a wait and see for a while longer.

Happy, happy, happy :)

6 weeks 3 days

2009-04-06T10:45:00.002-05:00

A little over an hour to go. Surprised that I am nervous but feeling positive about the appt. Hope this doesn't end up being a big thwack upside the head.

Should post asap when I get back to work. Dan will be the scanner of any pictures and hopefully can post them :)

God, I hope we have something good to say and post! Please, please, please, please!!!

P.S. Thanks for all the support and prayers - much appreciated :)

6 weeks 2 days

2009-04-05T10:28:00.002-05:00

No more bleeding which is reassuring at this point. It had stopped by the time I went to bed and nothing further overnight or this am even after the lovenox shot.

My stomach was off this morning so hopefully that is a good sign. We are still at the hoping for the best but trying to prepare for the worst. As Dan says that is much easier to say than do at this point.

I feel like I should warn the U/S tech tomorrow that there is going to be crying - either way. Because I am sure there will be. I would really love to just have everything be normal and where it's supposed to be and you know maybe a little heart beat. That would be cool. Right?

6 weeks 1 day

2009-04-04T21:19:00.002-05:00

Still pregnant? Not sure.

Started spotting with so-so cramping. Chilled out - not a huge amt of blood. Still slight bit but not sure if its old or new. Weird pulling feelings in the abdomen.

Trying to hope for the best but also trying to prepare for the worst...what else can we do?

Could this be because I forgot to put the patches back on after a bath last night? Oh and I wasn't sick at all today.

I guess as long as its not too heavy we have hope - its not that weird to have a little bleeding. Going to lay low.

OK so maybe I'm not feeling too good about this. Dan is trying. God this sucks.

5 weeks 6 days

2009-04-02T21:04:00.003-05:00

6 weeks...That's what we are tomorrow. Wow.

I've been sick to my stomach off and on since Tuesday - ended up feeling pretty much yucky and missed two days of work. Felt better this afternoon - still tired but not as pucky. Or I am getting used to it. Seems to be anytime I eat. Yuck. I hope it doesn't get much worse. But rumor has it that it's a good sign.

Mostly we've just been in wonder of it all. We've spent so much time waiting to get to this point that its all very surreal. Happy, scared of what could still happen but hoping for the best. Well Dan is better at the hoping part and I am better at the worried pessimistic part. But we shall see.

Ultrasound on Monday at noon. I really, really, really hope its all OK.

I believe the words were Holy F&*k

2009-03-31T14:48:00.003-05:00

Nice huh.

That was my response to today's hcg level. Well it made the nurse laugh.

Are you ready for the number??

Do you think I'm an idiot?

2055 hcg (doubling time of 40.8 hours)
6.9 prog

I am pregnant. Dan said are you going to listen to me now? No. I wish I would.

Relief is a wonderful thing.

On to the ultra sound next Monday or Tuesday. Wow.

5 weeks 3 days

2009-03-30T20:16:00.002-05:00

I am terrified.

I am somehow sure that we've lost it. I don't "feel" as pregnant. Ha. All that means is that I don't think my boobs are as poofy and I didn't have very much cramping the last two days. A little tiny bit but not much - not like I was in the days before.

I am so darn scared for tomorrow. I am actually afraid to go to work because I am so afraid that I will just melt if its bad news. But I have to go. So I guess I will find a way to keep it together either way.

BTW - Dan says tomorrow's number is 2072. He is not worried about anything. Well except me. What a mess.

5 weeks 2 days

2009-03-29T10:01:00.004-05:00

OK so what - weren't you missing the test? I was just checking... with 6th MU or something like that...I could see the lines instantly and darn they came out strong. But a million days past transfer can do that.

OK so really I was worrying - I noticed I wasn't crampy today. AS if the test is going to instantly tell me something is wrong. I just wanted it to be dark - and fast on not so "held" pee. I think the numbers are going up like they are supposed to.

I have to say there is something reassuring about getting monitored a lot - just because you actually get feedback that something is happening or doing what it is supposed to be doing. I guess being high risk will have some benefit in that sense we will always be monitored more.

It's become real. Dan is so sure and I am so afraid. I am looking forward to Tuesday number and wonder where it will be and when we can get the first ultrasound. My guess is next week - plus Dan HAS to be there for that so it can only be on a Wednesday or Thursday.

The only other problem that doesn't seem to get mentioned a lot is sex. Or the lack of it. THIS part stinks. And how long do we have to wait...its going to be after 12 weeks isn't it? I've been afraid to ask. Please, please, please don't tell us it was the whole pregnancy. Poor Dan. Wait poor me too! But it would be worth it. We just don't have to like it. (Dans probably not going to like this part of the POST!) lol.

5 weeks 1 day

2009-03-28T11:28:00.002-05:00

The most pregnant we've ever been.

I have to say it made me feel a lot better to pass the 5 week mark - past the lost day of last time. While I do realize each pregnancy is different, it just was a little bit of a relief. Actually every day that passes is a little bit of a relief.

We heard in a round about way again that the birth mom and family met with the lawyer. The lawyer told the SIL that she thinks they are serious but they want the baby to go to a couple that can't have kids. I love that idea. But I just am not sure if I am quite qualifying or not. I know we can't wait another 35 weeks to figure this out. So we are going to take the classes - do the finger prints and some of the other stuff while we are waiting to see what will happen.

Its getting a bit harder to think - just wait and see. Your mind wanders and you think what if this works - we'll have a baby for Thanksgiving. It makes me cry to think about it. I told Dan yesterday that I didn't know that being pregnant would be so scary! It feels like a big, BIG responsibility to be baking the baby - esp. because of the diabetes. We busted out a baby book last night - one I bought way back when I thought we could just have sex and make a baby...yeah like 3+ years ago. I couldn't look at it too long. I am just so afraid of all the things that could go wrong still. Wait and see...wait and see...wait and see. Do not get excited or too hopeful. That's the mantra! But I am SO praying that it does work. SO MUCH!

Hey that reminds me - 4 years ago tomorrow Dan and I had our very first date. How good was fate to me that day???? I guess we have to wait and see what it has in store for us now.

4 weeks 6 days

2009-03-26T10:44:00.002-05:00

Beta 258 doubling time of 1.88 days - which is less than 48 hours - but on track. OK just right.
Prog 5.9 (not a recent shot) we do them every three days but she thinks is ok with inserts - maybe we should do every other day?!?

Go back on Tuesday for another blood test.

Still pregnant. Holy $hit.

OK. Back to wait and see :)

Still Pregnant

2009-03-24T12:49:00.003-05:00

SO I thought I'd add a few tests to the day... I guess we are over a 100 now if the digital was positive.

At least I think so.

I know I am being a freak but I can't seem to let myself be happy or excited. (Is that horrible??) I am trying to do what Dan said and just wait and see what happens. The problem is what I think will happen.

I had a lot and I mean A LOT of pressure and cramping last night - not so much that it was painful -its not but it seems like it last for a long time. It is SO hard to know if its something to worry about or not. Every time I went to the bathroom I was sure they was going to be blood.
So I drank a lot of water...took a bath...laid down...and just basically waited to see what was going to happen. Nothing except I had to pee three times last night.

And then I wake up and there aren't any cramps...and I worry about that too. **Sigh** I do realize I have no control over this...so I am waiting to see what happens. Over and over - just wait and see what happens. Or I could start switching off between that and chanting 99.9% of what you worry about doesn't happen so what's the point of worrying...

So does this seem like too much talking to myself?

Well...

2009-03-23T13:35:00.002-05:00

84.5 hcg
16.2 progesterone

Go back thursday.

I'm pregnant for now. She said it's a good begining and we have to wait and see what happens next.

D'oh. You think? I think I said something like...right, because we've haven't been so great with that part so far.

Crap. I thought I would feel better knowing. Mostly I just feel scared. Because damn it I want that happy ending!

This is too long to wait!

2009-03-23T13:06:00.002-05:00

I swear I hate this wait worse than anything. At least so far in my life this is the WORST wait ever. It's like the 2WW smashed into a few hours. And the closer it gets to the time you think they should be calling you...you are going crazy.

I'm pissed at myself because I am doing the imagining game in my head. Letting myself think this might work. STOP IT!

I feel more crampy today - another reason to freak out. Because that is what I remember from last time - the cramps. But when does it become something to worry about?

I bailed on the whole email thing - just left my cell phone. No special " lets listen together thing. Just a get it over with and I'll call you with whatever number it is. Dan thinks over a 100 - I think not. We shall see. SOON I hope!

Day 17 - 11 dp 6 dt - (200th Post)

2009-03-22T09:56:00.005-05:00

Here is the morning results - actually SMU but about 4 hours later... so that seems OK. Remember to click on the picture for best picture :) You know, it is a lot more fun to pee on a stick when you know you'll get a line.

OK - I admit it - it looks like we are pregnant. BUT I'll say what I said to my dad when he said this last night - "In my day you either were pregnant or your weren't. " Well apparently that was BEFORE he met me. You can be a little bit pregnant... we shall see what tomorrow brings.

Day 16 - 10 dp 6 dt

2009-03-21T22:41:00.004-05:00

Best for last...4 hours from 6 pm until 10:30 - got a nice line. I was a testing queen today...tested at 5:30 am and then again at 9:30 am - those are the three above.

Dan is much more optomistic than I am but I'm waiting to see what kind of number we get on Monday. We decided to do something different - and ask them to email me the results/numbers/instructions. Just for something new...

Go.d I like that last test. Weirdly enough when I took it nothing came up - for like the first two min I was watching....so I was bumming. Then I went started a small load of laundry and pop there's the line. Lovely.

Day 15 - 9 dp 6 dt

2009-03-21T22:39:00.003-05:00

Day 14 - 8 dp 6 dt

2009-03-19T20:00:00.003-05:00

Remember to click on the picture for a BIG view.

AM - then PM tests. Stupid Inter.net tests - they suck. Obviously these are not the internet tests! The PM test came up instantly - not super dark but its there. Took the Inter.net tests and they are starting to show a slightly darker line with the PM - they must be over 50 or 100 to register? So do you need those pics too? Nah.

At least the lines are getting darker. And here I am back to investing in pee sticks again. At least we get it back in flex pay money :)

So what is happening in there part 2

2009-03-18T15:34:00.001-05:00

http://maybe-bebe.blogspot.com/2008/12/so-what-is-happening-in-there.html

I should really read my own blog. I am 7 days post transfer...d'oh.

Maybe not too late?

Day 13 - 7dp 6dt

2009-03-18T06:48:00.007-05:00

Not good. Took two tests - both Internet brands- neither has an excellent line - I am wondering if yesterdays line was evap.(pic #1) - and you can't even see the line on the picture. For that brand's test (picture #1) I had about the same or less of a line - and the other one (picture #2)- no line - but that brand had a line yesterday. Although there seemed to be a lot more die in the one from yesterday.

The lines we had on the last cycle we visible now http://maybe-bebe.blogspot.com/2008/12/8dt-5dt.html. If we have anything its a chemical. Again. I am seriously thinking of not testing for the next few days. I need some denial and not to think about it. Funny how testing was my way to have some control - this time I just don't want to know.

Maybe because I really do already?

Day 12 -- 6dp 6dt

2009-03-17T09:51:00.002-05:00

Little bitty line on one of three. See what tomorrow brings. There was actually a line on two...but I had no time. By the time I got home this is what was left...the other looked weird. Click on the picture...

Anyway - I'll have more time tomorrow to take a picture in the AM.

The meeting between the birth mother and lawyer was postponed until next week. No details.

Guess next week will be interesting.

5dp6dt

2009-03-16T21:04:00.002-05:00

Snow white tests this AM. But ** new brand ** will try with old ones tomorrow.

Cramps a lot last evening - and again this afternoon - and tonight.

Small bit of brown spotting today. Must look back and see when that happened last time.

Got our "packet" from the agency today - you can not be pregnant (at all) during any time of the adoption process - if you are - you get put on hold.

SO now what - not really expecting this to be a for real pregnancy - so do we loose out on this little girl. I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow - well all we are expecting is a message from the lawyer - as we won't be home until late.

I'll update with any test results - so no news in the AM is another blank test...

Couch Potato 2dp6dt

2009-03-13T10:59:00.004-05:00

That's me. A big couch potato. We did go to to movie last night - and to the book store to look for a book on adoption. We are in such a crazy place right now. I feel guilty and I don't even know why - like could something good happen to us and are we being greedy somehow? And then I feel scared.

There is so much of infertility that makes you feel like a failure. There have been points where I have been sure that I must be a horrible person because G-d doesn't want to give me a child - yes, I know, not reasonable thoughts. But this isn't always about reason - this is emotion. There is no way to do this and not to be emotionally invested. When it doesn't work out - emotional response.

It is terrifying to think of someone else judging you - looking at every aspect of your life and looking at you - and saying no - you can not be the parent to our child. OMG - I would die. I am afraid because this is someone so young - and when you are that age - but she knows how hard it is to have a baby.

I know I didn't explain too much about this - an BIL who's "wife" is a midwife - which helps us (part of the guilt) - a lawyer she works with to refer birth mothers - Birth mother - 18 with a 6 month old - and 25 weeks pregnant with a little baby girl. Major oooops was what I was told. Midwife told her to think about it more than once - to give her time to process - but she came back - said you have a good family that would want my baby?...can you call them now - can you make sure? So she called us right away - 45 minutes after the transfer we didn't tell anyone we were doing. We are now busted on that too. What could we say but yes we are interested - it's not that we've been successful with this whole IVF thing. We are hopeful but come on - odds are not in our favor, right? They want to meet us - and her parents want to meet us. That's when we realized that we were actually old enough to be HER parents. Ugh. And you look at yourself and think my 18 year old self pick me?

Yesterday - the midwife/SIL called to say that the birth mother had already called and set up an appt with the lawyer - and the lawyer will call us after that. This would be on Tuesday. Neither of us will be home on Tuesday... ugh.

I called a social service org here that was recommended - and found out a few interesting things - like we have to ask for it to be a private adoption - and that it should be our choice for the agency to work with - that it would be better to have it all done with one (although this is a one sided opinion here so far) that it would be less expensive - and on and on. I can not step on toes here. But we are not rich - to do this we would have to beg, borrow and sell whatever we could...you know what I mean. So spending a bunch of money we don't have to spend is not ideal. The impression I got was that that could be the case with the organization that this particular lawyer works with... so somehow have to ask nicely her opinion about that!

If we got pregnant today (well actually we are, right??) we'd have what 8 months to get it all together...with this we have maybe 3. And what do we do if I do end up pregnant? And it would be high risk. How do you adopt a new born and be on bed rest? Well I guess we just have to wait and see what happens. There are no guarantees on any of this, right?

On to cycle news... we are 2dp a day 6 transfer...so based on my last results - we started to see a positive line on day 11 - today is day 8 - so I'll probably wait until Sunday to start testing. Allergies are up - maybe flowers I bought? Tried to stop taking Ze.rte.k and that was a BAD idea. Hello - we have a cat and wow am I allergic!! And for the last 3 days she has been a bed fellow...so back to allergy pills. I hope that having your allergies act up doesn't make implantation harder? LOL. I am such a worrying freak! Back to the couch!

Lucky Day

2009-03-11T15:29:00.004-05:00

Happy B-day Quinton!! Thank you for sharing your special day with us :)

5 embabies in...now we wait. Transfer went really well - felt good because we went and lit candles at church before we went. Seems silly but it made me feel better - well that and the Valium. Yummy.

Amazing thing happened right after the transfer...a possible little girl to adopt due in June. So early in the process but this is how we have sweet Lily in our family. Amazing. Maybe this could actually work out for us! God knows we've been talking about it a lot lately.

Can you just imagine? I'm really trying. We spent about 2 minutes saying what if - what if both work out - somehow we can't see that as a bad thing - only a blessing. But honestly, I think we have better odds with the adoption. Wow. A baby girl in June.

wow.

Less than 24 hours...

2009-03-08T18:32:00.004-05:00

I feel like I should be more something right now - more emotional about the cycle or excited or afraid or just SOMETHING more than what I feel. Maybe this is better. But somehow I think that by the time I get to the transfer I'll be more invested in everything. Once I see the little embabies on the screen. Right now I'm kind of hoping not for too much investment - just for a while. While I want this more than almost anything I am actually more afraid of a positive result this time around.

I don't think I ever said anything about how terrifying and exciting it was to find out we were finally pregnant on the last cycle. The joy was amazing but the fear was up there too. Funny, I remember when we heard the news and the look on Dan's face was the picture of shock and fear. If I didn't know him so well I think I might have been upset but I knew what he was feeling. We had spent so much time preparing and doing IVF that we actually just never were completely prepared to be pregnant- maybe you can't be - but crap we were scared. Happy but scared. And honestly we both just kept saying we don't know HOW to be pregnant.

This time we are jaded - we are expecting a positive result but we don't trust that this will last. My god I know we wish with every fiber that we will end up with a health child in the end but we are not expecting it. That's why very few people in real life know where we are at - or when things are happening. Not because we don't want them to know but because who wants to share the pain and the worry. The JOY - you bet, but not this - not until we are somewhere safe (or safer) in this journey.

My only worry at this point is that my lining will be too thick for transfer or that the embabies will not survive the thaw - not likely - but possible. If the lining was too thick I think you are just SOL - can they refreeze the blastocysts? I can't imagine so.

So the final time is set - we are to be at the clinic at 10:30 am tomorrow. Water bottle and Valium in hand.

Well the rest is up to God at this point, right?

On a side note, yesterday, I did follow up with my non-fertility doctor about the blood tests from a few weeks ago - I didn't hear anything back. Which most likely means she has no results.

Thoughts and then Thanksgiving Thursday!

2009-03-05T12:03:00.005-06:00

I know – still being quiet. Not a lot to say – I think I am avoiding too much thought about this cycle. Plus it’s been busy at work. I know I am more excited about having 5 days off in a row than the actual transfer and all that jazz. I guess you would call that jaded. Or maybe just going through the motions and waiting to see what will happen. SHHHH – don’t tell anyone but I am a little bit hopeful. Just between us. I can’t help it. I still WANT it to work. It mostly gets pushed aside because of fear.

Tomorrow is the last lup.ron shot. Thank g-d. Ironically the same client is coming to visit during this two week wait as last time – including 2 days of sitting in a hot conference room going over responses (if that doesn’t sound painful and boring, let me correct that notion now). Plus we have a client visit in Milwaukee on St Pats. And all kinds of work to do to get ready for both clients. So I guess I am going to be nice and busy that whole week after the transfer – and then bam Monday is the beta.

We have to talk about what to do that day – it just doesn’t mean as much after the last time. I can’t be the same level of happy – even if it’s good news – because there is so much fear. I guess it’s a wait and listen to a message together thing. If I can possibly stand it!

And what?? I won’t know what is happening?? I laugh at that! I have my stock pile of tests and I am all set to go – just give me pee and I am test ready. Too bad someone isn’t selling do it yourself beta’s because I would totally be into that!

They fixed our elevator yesterday. FINALLY. Mostly I find myself listening for it when in the kitchen – it was this weird woosh every three minutes. But I am happy because I am limiting everything for a while – including the stairs. I’m going to be lazy (ha ok lazier than normal) – and not pick up anything over 5 lbs (like I was supposed to last time) and not have sex (like I was supposed to last time) and in general just try and keep it together. Do you notice that I seem to expect to get pregnant again? Honestly I am going to be really surprised it I don’t. It’s just not expecting it to stick all the way that I can’t get passed.

I just realized that I didn’t offer and no one asked what I was doing with vacation time. I wonder if she (my boss) has guessed. I’ve really, really tried to keep all calls from the clinic out of here and if they did I was cryptic. Most contact was via email. Which I have to say is nice. Maybe they can just email my beta results. LOL. I have to say I like that idea.

Well I wrote a book for not having anything to say… maybe what I should have said is I have nothing new to say…but soon there will be pictures of pee sticks and possible lines or OH wow maybe real lines to obsess over. Won’t that be fun?

A fellow blogger has something called ...here is what I am thankful for today :)

1- Dan - even when I am a bitchy beast he still finds something to love.
2 - Family - they may not be perfect (what?!!) but I love them and wouldn't trade for anything.
3 - Friends - well I wish always to be a better friend but I am thankful for the love and support I get from them.
4 - IVF Cycles - I have to be thankful that we've had these chances - that we have insurance - and the opportunity to try and have a child. Too many people can't...
5 - Jobs - SUPER thankful we have them - while we are not rich (LOL) by any means we are OK at this point - and in these times that is a blessing.
6 - Blogs - I love them - I can always find someone I can relate to or a story that makes me feel hopeful or thankful - and always not so alone in this IF boat.
7 - Coffee - OMG I love my Sta.rbuck.s and I am dreading next week - decaf is OK but its not the same.
8 - Insulin Pump - Most excellent in most ways - makes my blood sugar almost normal - but it makes me fat too. Not so much on that part...
9 - Dan - I just love him so I have to be super thankful for him. Shoot I waited all my life for him.
10 - Our child - I know that somewhere in heaven or on earth there is a child that is meant to be ours...shoot I've waited all my life...

Dan's Post...

2009-03-03T10:21:00.000-06:00

It took him so long to publish it that it dropped down below.... please read.

How is this for weird...

2009-03-02T14:32:00.002-06:00

We live in an elevator building - its only 4 stories but the ceilings are taller than average - still probably not necessary but nice when you have a ton of stuff. It's a double flight of stairs between each story. Not bad, right?

Since sometime Friday the elevator hasn't been working - but it's been going up and down between the floors every 3 minutes. Seriously - every 3 minutes. I expect at any moment it to crash to the bottom. The sounds are getting scary! Glad its not my electric bill. I should have started a bet with Dan when someone will actually look at it...my guess is by next Friday.

Tough times always get better

2009-03-02T10:47:00.004-06:00

I guess I was feeling down on Friday. Part of the roller coaster of infertility - sometimes you are really down and the longer it goes on the easier it is to feel defeated. But there are highs. We just need some to last longer...like 9 months.

I feel like I should say that neither Dan or I feel like our marriage is in jeopardy. Or even that we are really having a bad time with our marriage - its just that we've spent our entire married life trying to have a child - so sometimes the failure in aspect of our life seems like a failure in our marriage. And its not. We talk about everything and I do mean everything. Maybe too much but when it comes down to it we are a team. And working through all of this together.

We had a much needed talk last week about different things - things that bother the other person - how we feel and all that jazz. Much crying and upset at the time but in the end I think we both felt better. Sometimes we need that shake up - to purge and move on in a better place. One of the things we talked about decision making and that at times it feels like I am at the reigns all the time. I know I have a more opinionated and probably stronger personality - which can tend to me running ahead. But we do talk about everything, I just get frustrated when I feel like I am the only one researching, deciding, talking, blah, blah, blah about what is happening - most specifically in regards to infertility. Dan promised to be more opinionated and to push more for what he wants - that he can't be afraid that I might get upset just because he doesn't agree with me. Ahh, we are a work in progress.

We didn't talk about important things too much this weekend - we had Zoe for Friday night and then Saturday night we were at my moms going through old pictures. There was a plan for my dad's 65th to do something with pictures... but in the end we changed our minds. While there were many wonderful memories - there were others that were not. And maybe a birthday isn't always the best time to take stock of your life - I think celebrating the good is the way to go for this one!

I had blood work and Ultrasound this morning - no word on the blood work but my lining was 12.6 - which is good. Hopefully not too good! I still have 9 days before transfer!

No answer on the other blood work - that takes 2 weeks - so early next week hopefully. No news is good news in that area. She said she would only call when it all came back unless there was something wrong. Happy Monday :)

*********update from today's appointment **********************************************
All is perfect - continue with same until 3/6 (Friday - then stop Lurp.ron (WOOO HOO) and start progesterone inserts and shots...(boo hooo). They will call on the 10th with the time.

Wow. I guess we really are doing this. OMG.

ugh...this is why I don't post

2009-02-26T16:17:00.006-06:00

OK, I feel like crap - it's the blood sugar - I guess. I know my memory is for shit but I don't remember the estrogen patches bothering me this much - or jacking my blood sugar around this much. Oh and the swelling - something about sitting a work all day - just makes my feet swell. And it just keeps getting worse. Doctor says its the meds - the weight - not to worry, right. Well it hurts. And it happens if I sit for more than an hour. Can't exactly walk around all day. Or lay down. Something about the heat makes it worse too.

Back to the blood sugar...I've been sitting too high for weeks - Dr says its the Lupron - I've even higher now that we started the patches. Even if my AIC was a 5.6 last month - it wouldn't be that now. No way. But she isn't concerned. I am.

I feel like every possibly pimpley thing on my body has suddenly started thinking it wants to be infected or is infected - adding to my blood sugar woes. I increased to my basil rate - no difference except one weird low before dinner last night. (Basil rate on the pump is the continuous dose of insulin that is working in the background all the time - bolus is the amt of insulin you use when you eat - it is supposed to work like a real pancreas). I am taking SO SO much insulin - and what does that do - make you gain weight. Which increases your insulin resistance. I need to get off of this cycle!

Tomorrow I go for blood work and a scan for the cycle. Part of me is wishing they cancel it. I am just not feeling it - I try - I fool myself for a little bit, want to feel optimistic - but no, I really don't want to do this. Not with another bad ending. But I do if its my last chance with this doctor. I just can't seem to get everything to be "just" right. Should I care? Should I just let it go? What happens, happens? I can't. The blood sugar can't be like this after transfer - hello - can you say birth defects? Working myself into the really low carb again. Guess I need to pick up the speed.

And lets talk about depression. I've got it. Or something like it. I've been angry at times. A lot of the time with Dan. Or bitchy to him. I want to feel in love again - I love him, more than anything but that happy, just being next to you makes me SO happy feeling isn't there lately. (I feel bad saying that!) I feel smothered sometimes. Or just like I want to escape this - this everything - and somehow when I am not with him I can forget where we are but when we are together its so front and center.

*************** 4 hours later **********************

I feel better now. Sugars down where they should be - ate dinner - relaxed. Not any better about the cycle (sorry) but at least a bit better physically. I think I sit too long, get hot and stressed at work. I stopped taking all the extra vitamins and probiotics and I am feeling it in my immune system a bit I think - maybe that was did help me or maybe it didn't. Honestly I thought it helped a lot but the doctor said get off everything that wasn't absolutely necessary. I am eating yogurt for the probiotics but it doesn't seem like it's the same. Then all of a sudden the days I took off for the transfer and bed rest were in jeopardy - because they don't know we are cycling - and schedules for jobs changed. I had to offer to not take the days but they said no - keep the time. I guess I was relieved.

I don't know how I am supposed to feel about any of this anymore. It's been so much to deal with and emotionally tiring. This is try number 5! 5!! I never thought it would take this long. Or hurt this much that is hasn't worked. Infertility has become a defining part of our marriage - we've put so many things on hold - we can't plan a vacation - we can't buy this or do this or whatever because we are always on hold for a cycle - cycling or thinking oh what if we are pregnant? This isn't where I want to be a year from now - not even six months from now. I hope I mean I REALLY, REALLY hope that this cycle works - and that I can stay pregnant. Because I don't know if I can do it again. Or if I even want to. LOL. OK , I want to if you tell me I'll get a baby at the end.

I just wish sometimes we could go back - before we know all we know - and before we got here. Just for a visit to the past at a moment when we were innocent of infertility wrath- to feel truly happy again.

I feel like such a bummer. This is why I am not posting.

Dan Rambles Along...and posts!

2009-02-20T16:26:00.006-06:00

Get ready for some serious rambling here...

For most people getting pregnant just comes naturally. They don't have to worry about it. It just happens. For the rest of us, it doesn't come that easy. Heck, it doesn't seem to come at all.

Part of the marriage vows we took was if you would accept children. Both Julie and I said yes....and we both thought it would happen. It is almost three years and we still haven't gotten pregnant. Well, Julie is the one who would get pregnant, I'll just gain the sympathy weight.

The last three years have been like a roller coaster. Lots of ups and downs. But unlike on that said roller coaster, where the down parts are awesome, the down parts in life are just that....downs.

I do sometimes think that if this doesn't work, that somewhere deep down inside of her mind, Julie will resent me. I didn't have good enough sperm, I didn't want it hard enough or I could have done more. I can't blame her at all, in fact she has some valid points. I am a laid back person. Heck, sometimes next to Julie you have to put a mirror up to my nose to see if I am breathing. Julie likes to have plans and know what is going to happen next. She doesn't like surprises. I can come off as incredibly wishy-washy sometimes.... much to Julie's dismay.

Sometimes this must seem that I don't care if we have a child or not. That's not the case. Will I be able to handle the fact if we can not have a child? I think I could accept it....so I can see how that it might look that I don't care. I have been next to Julie the whole time, trying to understand the process and trying to understand all of the drugs she is taking. Could I do a better job of it? Yes, I know I could. I guess I took the easy way out, in that Julie did all the research, all the work...hell I had only one thing to do and I almost couldn't even do that part of it!!!

I didn't meet Julie with the thought that I wanted children. I was just looking for a cool and beautiful person to spend time with. Soon I realized she was someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. That is what truly helps me through the bad times.

Last night Julie asked if this doesn't work, what is the next step. That is a good question...what is the next step? We have been doing this as long as we have been married. How can we just stop? Can we just stop? Julie has wanted this her whole life. She, like most girls, grew up thinking she would someday be a mother. How can you just stop that dream?

I said I could accept not having a child earlier. I know it may sound like I don't want children...that is not true. I want Julie's dream to come true. She helped make it my dream. What is life without dreams?

I do know if somehow it doesn't work...Julie will not hate me. She will love me and I will love her. I remember making a joke ( I need to stop making such bad jokes!) that life with Julie is like a good pizza, and a child will be the best pepperoni. Or life with Julie is awesome ice cream...and the child would be some great toppings. It would make something great even greater.

End of the rambling. This post took almost two weeks to wright. I need to go to the Nor.a Rober.ts school of writing. Anyway, all of this angst will be for naught....because its gonna work for real this time!

I want to thank everyone and anyone who reads this blog and sends us positive thoughts. Thank you all and God Bless.

Dan

Good News

2009-02-20T13:14:00.002-06:00

I guess its good news. Feels like good news to me.

My primary doctor was totally willing to go for a bunch of blood work, just to rule out any clotting or autoimmune issues - now we just have to hope that the results come back before the transfer. I feel better knowing that even if nothing is wrong we made sure all was well. Although actually I'd like a reason too. D'oh.

TGIF!! Long week at work even though we only worked 4 days. Woo hoo for the weekend! Happy weekends to all :)

Quiet

2009-02-18T13:24:00.002-06:00

I've been quiet just waiting for the next steps.

We get to drop the lup.ron dose (thank god) and start the estrogen patches on Sunday. I also made an appt for acupuncture for Saturday and will most likely be going every Tuesday and Thursday for a while... at least up to the transfer and then I'd like to continue because there has been studies that show it can help prevent a miscarriage.

We received the official letter saying that we can no longer go to this clinic after this cycle. Joy.

I have an appt with my Endo who is my primary care doctor on Friday - I am going to see what tests she can run that would fall under a miscarriage panel under the guise of something else - like edema. This is my ass-backwards attempt to circumvent the fertility part of the insurance by going to my primary doctor who doesn't have to go through them for approval.

The Fert insurance requires 3 miscarriages (after ultrasound to confirm pregnancy) before you can have the panel run. Some of these conditions they test for can consistently cause a loss at 5-6 weeks - before you would get an US. To be honest, I'd pay for it myself if we needed to, just so we don't waste what little chance we have left. Because NOTHING I have gone through so far qualifies me to get this test. Makes no sense to me. We barely have 4 tries and they want you to fail in a big way before you can get these tests... So we'll see what happens.

While I have been quiet in blogland, my brain or what little I have left after weeks and weeks of Lup.ron has been busy thinking bad thoughts.

The closer we get to starting the closer I feel to being at the end of the journey. And it seems more and more like we are ending it without a child. I feel unhappy about everything I've put my body through, the almost 80 lbs I've gained (OMG, you have no idea how fat I am) and the fact that we don't have a damn thing to show for it except a whole lot of unhappiness and my ever expanding girth. Oh and I worry that the pain of infertility has done damage to our marriage that can't be repaired. That's always a nice treat.

Dan asked me last night if I would end up resenting him because of the male factor. Him no, but damn I resent the shit out of his sperm. And I resent the shit out of my eggs too for that matter. Actually, I resent the shit out of it all. That we met so late, that I am so insulin resistant, that we aren't rich. But not you Dan, I love you and I wouldn't change that. Not even for a child. I swear on Rita and Zoe.

But damn I want this to be over and I want a child with you. Why, why, why does that seem to be too much to ask for? And how do I learn to accept that?

Official Dates

2009-02-12T13:10:00.002-06:00

Transfer date: 3/11/09
Beta date: 3/23/09

What else is important? Ah, start meds on 2/22/09. We have a schedule :) I should have asked for a 3/16 transfer...4 years since Dan and I met. I think this is close enough! Now all I have to do is get the time off from work.

I started feeling good about this cycle in the last few days...probably because I had my period. Oh well, whatever it takes! Now I just need to get the acupuncture set up and we are good to go!

Lup.ron is my life

2009-02-10T12:28:00.003-06:00

OMG I am going to be on Lupron foreverrrrr!

So I am too late to have a cycle in Febryary...by a day. Seriously, a day. WTF.

Now the earliest I can cycle is March 9th. Does that date seem familiar to you? Its the day I have to be started by in order to be able to be covered by insurance. Hopefully starting the meds count as "starting" the cycle.

What a mind f*ck. Really. Here we go with Lurpon for another month...and if I don't get my AF on time again. AHHHH, do I have to get an AF again? Fu*k.

I get a schedule in a few days. I must not get another AF. Crap. So confused. Maybe its the Lupr.on!!!!!!!!!!! OK really its 10 days later than I thought it would be but crap.

Finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-02-09T10:27:00.002-06:00

Finally the nasty aunt came - yesterday. Although I have to say she is being pretty mild…TMI :)

So I guess we are officially on our way. I emailed the nurse this morning to find out when we could be transferring…just so we have an idea. Dan worries about days off and stuff like that!

Me, well I am pretty much scared shitless. Really. I am TERRIFIED that we are going to have another miscarriage. I know that technically it was a chemical pregnancy but it wasn’t to me. When something actually slips from your body – and you go from being pregnant to not being pregnant with that act – well to me that is a miscarriage. This is the thing that I TOTALLY can’t get past, can’t get out of my mind and really, really don’t want to experience again.

So now that we are actually starting another cycle it opens the door and well makes me worry. I know…I need to chill out – my worrying doesn’t change the situation but it’s hard not to worry. How do you not worry when you have everything invested in something?

There is this other weirdness happening… we are starting to see an end. The thing is this might be our last cycle for good. Or this might be our last biological cycle or maybe we will cycle one more time… but whatever we decide to do next, this feels like the end. It’s looking like it will be our last cycle with this doctor and with this clinic. We feel closer to running out of time, out of chances, out of luck, etc. The thought of actually never having a child feels much more real, more of a possibility than it ever did before. And with the end brings in new feelings.

Anger at this situation.

Anger at our bodies for failing us.

Anger at everything that we’ve gone through to be able to have a baby and to realize that it could all be for nothing.

Realizing that we are so close to an end of this chapter in our lives and somehow learning to let go of this dream is really, really hard. I don’t think I ever realized how hard it would be, even when I watched others go through it. I just thought, well, they have to move on to the next step, go to adoption. It is that easy and it’s not.

I think that somehow you aren’t allowed to say that you need to mourn the loss of the possibilities of a bio child, of giving birth to your child, of having the thing that most people take for granted. Being a woman, you grow up thinking this is something that you will do, it’s as if it’s your right, because you are woman to have a child or children. It’s what your body is supposed to do. And you don’t question it. Until it doesn’t happen. Until months go by and nothing happens. And so the story goes…

There isn’t any part of me that isn’t open to adoption. I know that I would be happy going in this direction and I know you don’t need to be biologically connected to a child to love it, to be willing to die for it, for it to be your child. It’s just letting go of where we are to get here that is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I am sure that some of you are thinking, hey, you are just starting a new cycle…you still have a chance. Someone is always telling me to be positive – think positive – blah, blah, blah. But since this is our 5th cycle (wow, damn, the 5th cycle!), I don’t feel as optimistic. Hope is there, prayers are there, dreams are still there but it doesn’t feel like there is ANY realistic chance that in the end, it will end with a child. There isn’t anything left in me that can envision that it could.

Apparently you can beat me down…

But then how will I get my POAS fix? Ah, well cycle on ....and on and on.

Update

2009-02-06T10:10:00.001-06:00

I'm to stay on the lupron until Tuesday...go in for baseline again and see whats happening.

They expect AF to come soon....

Dr. K will not do transfer but they can get another Dr to do it before 3/9 - which is my end date with insurance.

Thats all folks.

Cor.pus Lut.eum

2009-02-05T11:08:00.004-06:00

Who the hell can ovulate on lupron????

Me, thats who!

I have a nicely functioning corpus luteum....that is what is left after you ovulate...it produces all those pretty hormones so that you can stay pregnant. LOL. The corpus luteum makes progesterone to prepare the body for pregnancy. D'oh. Well maybe I'm pregnant. LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL....LOL! Wait let me get up off the floor.

Waiting for a response from the doctors office...my guess is that AF is not coming in time.

On other notes I did get a response from insurance...and a very quick one again from them today when I emailed with more questions. The good news is that I don't have to start over with referrals and tests- that they are making exceptions all over the place for my clinics patients. We were talking to the ultrasound tech (who is married to one of the doctors)about who we would pick, she thought highly of the new possible doctor. She almost went to him - while he's a bit flashy - they refer a lot of patients to him for surgery and basically he's a good choice.

So maybe we will be moving over sooner rather than later...ugh.

Ding...Ding...Ding

2009-02-04T18:06:00.002-06:00

Looks like time is up. Well we will hear for sure tomorrow after I finally go in for a baseline. Yes, I was supposed to go on Tuesday but it didn't happen. I had a cold/flu or some chest bug that knocked me out for the last two days. Well I felt crappy since Sat afternoon but I HAD to go to work on Monday to get a job done. Yesterday and today I monitored my email as well as I could. I hate that you can't actually be sick without feeling bad about it. I mean I can NOT check my email. And the guilt sucks.

We finally got a response from the insurance company - I have coverage for this cycle through 3/9/09 - which means I have to start the cycle by the date. HP limits the dates anyway to I think 2/26 to start. But I will continue with the clinic through the beta...if I am pregnant, I get to stay with them until I am released to an OB or whatever should happen.

And I had a bit of spotting today so MAYBE I am actually going to make it in on time!

I am relieved that I can stay there through this FET cycle and hopefully we can get in in time. We've been in "leave it in god's hands" for the last few weeks with the whole insurance issue...and we are going to try to keep it there. Apparently you can't will these things to happen, who knew? So I guess we will just see what happens. I am happy with that for now.

Time is ticking

2009-02-02T12:28:00.002-06:00

No AF. Starting to freak out a little bit about this...

No word from any of the letters, emails etc. I've sent regarding the insurance situation. Shocking I know...

IF I get AF today - or even if I don't I have to go in tomorrow AM for a baseline. Should the baseline numbers be good I could start meds tomorrow. Hmmm odds of this? Well just for fun pretend that the numbers are good. Transfer would be 2/20. I can go to my doctor/clinic until 2/26. I only have days...or I am getting cancelled tomorrow.

I don't even know what to wish for at this point. Not knowing what is going to happen, I mean who would do the beta? Regular OB isn't going to do what the clinic would do in terms of ultrasounds and beta, etc. I can't go to another clinic because I don't have a referral for anywhere else yet.

Sigh. Did I mention that I've been sick with a chest thing and sore throat? Which is jacking my blood sugar all over the place. Joy.

I hope I didn't buy all those tests in vain!

teeeeee heeeeeeeee

2009-01-31T10:22:00.003-06:00

Is 35 enough???? You know I actually just wanted to take one for fun. D'oh.

Still no AF but they have me going in for blood work and an ultrasound on Monday morning. I'm getting a little nervous that we aren't going to fit into the time frame. I definitely don't see how there will be any monitoring post transfer... I mean its usually 2 weeks to beta test...and insurance isn't working with them past the 26th. If I am lucky I will transfer between the 14-18th. Well I guess getting to the transfer is the most important thing right now. Especially since we have to pay $1400 for the little guys to keep them in their icy bath for a few more weeks and transferring the ones from the other location. It would be nice to know we are not just pissng this money away. Ha.

Post 172

2009-01-29T16:00:00.003-06:00

Wow! Post 172...

Oral progesterone does not agree with me. There, now maybe I will remember that. There was a time when we were dating that I took a form of progesterone only birth control pill…and almost broke up with Dan because I was so depressed and hated the world. Do I remember that before taking progesterone for 5 days to get AF??? No…but I did make Dan miserable because I was SO bitchy and unhappy. I even wanted the dog and cat to move out. I just love that I remember only when I suddenly “feel” a lot better yesterday. I made PMS look good. Poor Dan…and Piper…and Molly. Well not really Molly because she really is a bratty cat.

Dan has a cold, and it’s on his weekend which I guess is a good thing. At least he can stay home and veg in bed without worrying about work. Me, I am hoping that I “had” this one some other time…I really don’t want to get sick.

Still looking for the AF to arrive, and getting a little nervous about it not coming in time. They never gave me a “you have to get it by this date” date. Just it should come in 5-7 days after the last pill. Well we are on day 6 and nada. If you see the AF fairy please send her my way.

I find myself getting a little tiny itty bitty excited about our FET cycle. I know, it surprises me too! I guess I really was hoping that I wouldn’t be excited or start to get hopeful. Weirdly enough, I truly expect to get pregnant from this cycle. Like no doubt in my mind at all. I think I have that part down pat…and we are using the same em-babies- and well it always works a little bit - so that part is good. (Actually, every cycle has gotten a little bit better… ha and a little bit more bitter!)

But the unknown then becomes…can I stay pregnant? That part I am not so much expecting…the staying pregnant. I had 5 days (well it felt longer!) for good numbers and feeling hopeful and feeling amazed and scared and excited and so darn happy. The best 5 days of my life in some ways but I think that I will never have that innocent happiness again.

This time, even if we get good numbers, I’ll just be scared. Hope for a good outcome but just scared that it will happen again. I wish, wish, wish they could say “this” is why and you can prevent it by doing this…but they can’t.

My HbA1.c numbers are good – 5.6 – which means my blood sugar is under control. Actually all my blood work was ok or good. So all I can do is hope and pray. Getting really, really good at that! Honestly, I can't believe I have hope left sometimes. I guess sometimes I don't. I just hope that if I loose hope for good it can correlate with our last cycle...lol.

Boring here

2009-01-27T11:51:00.002-06:00

Nothing going on here...waiting for AF to arrive and wandering around in a lupron haze.

Confession...we went to cost.co and I bought a 4 pack of tests... and then I decided that I didn't want to spend a million dollars on hpt's. Seriously I am embarrassed at how many I bought last time. But I know I can't not test... so I bought a bunch (30) online - 15 generic strip ones and 15 like the ones that you get when you buy them at the drug store. But a lot less expensive...really. It averaged just over a dollar a test vs 5 dollars a test.

No news from any of the insurance people or the doctors office. I've decided to go with the theory that whatever happens, happens for a reason. If we are meant to move on then we are and I know we have a good option to move to, I'd just rather not at this point.

Not talking

2009-01-22T13:20:00.002-06:00

Not talking about this cycle is hard. I think I stink at it so far. I accidentally mentioned the insurance problem to Dan's parents...and now they are worried and want to know if we are going to be able to cycle.

The thing is I want to tell them, I want to tell everyone. I want everyone to be praying and hoping along with us, so that maybe this one will work. But I don't want to tell them it didn't work down the road. But blabber me would like to tell them now.

I went to see my endo yesterday...she has no answers...not that I expected her to. She had me go for blood work which is actually why we went, I wanted to get everything checked out before we cycle, just in case. She had much to say about our insurance situation. When we were waiting for my name to be called...music started to play...now honestly I was in my own world, thinking about how hungry I was...and Dan says "A baby was just born in the hospital.". I burst into tears...it was Rock-a-bye-baby that played. D'oh. Just wasn't expecting that...

I wrote my letter to insurance today about the changes and how I feel it will cause us harm...what do you think?

Dear XXX,

I am writing with great concern regarding a letter you recently sent to me about the necessity to change infertility clinics and doctors. I am actually horrified at the thought that now after a year and a half of this part of our struggle we should have to start over with a new clinic and a new doctor instead of being treated at XXX. What makes this even more difficult is especially considering where we are at in our treatment with so little options left. Once we found out that IVF with ICSI was the ONLY way we could get pregnant, we were so very limited in our chances to have a child, and now with one fresh cycle left in our insurance coverage; it is completely tragic to have to start over.

XXX has spent the last three cycles figuring out my body within the limitations of XXX Healthcare mandates. While in an ideal world I would be able to have testing to make sure there is not an underlying medical issue causing these miscarriages, we still have hope that we could have a baby because of XXX’s dedication to our cause. We had our best, BEST, cycle last December and although we have had four chemical pregnancies overall, each time our Beta numbers have gotten stronger, as different treatment options have been added. With this change XXX Healthcare is forcing us to start over. To start over with a new clinic (which may not be as good) and a new doctor (again may not be as good). I know there are excellent doctors and clinics on there but this is a process and one cycle is not enough to make a process and start over somewhere new.

To be honest, I feel very strongly that by doing this you are dramatically reducing my chances to have a child (beyond what we already have going against us.) Try to imagine having ONLY four chances to have a child – that’s it unless you are lucky enough to have something frozen after a cycle. That’s it four. Oh, wait; unless I have a live birth, then I can have two more IVF cycles. I have to say that doesn’t make much sense and is somewhat irksome to someone at the end of the road with cycles. This feels very much like I am being discriminated against for not being able to carry a pregnancy to term. But I digress from the issue at hand.

We are now rushing through a frozen cycle, weeks after what was a very traumatic miscarriage, only because we have no choice, there is only so much time left to cycle before this relationship ends. We don’t even know that I will have someplace to do my beta or have any follow up care should I become pregnant from this cycle because depending on when the transfer takes place…it could be days until the relationship ends. To be completely honest we actually would have preferred to wait until March and tried one last fresh cycle, but we can’t.

What resolution can you offer us? What hope? We have been on such a tight rope, making so many concessions in our lives to have a child, I can’t imagine starting this whole journey over with another clinic. Our experience with XXX has been great, especially with Dr. K and his staff; I just can’t honestly see any justification in your choice to make this change. XXX has made what has been the most horrible and difficult struggle of our lives, easier and they have given us hope. I truly hope that you can come to some resolution with XXX to continue service and if not I would like to request an extension of services.

I would be happy to discuss my experiences, my history or anything else regarding the matter, should you wish. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Mini Update

2009-01-20T12:45:00.002-06:00

Well...it's official we are doing a frozen cycle in February. Hopefully with all 7 frozen em-babies. Mostly I couldn't leave those first two back there at RN and if we have to completely change doctors they would be just sitting there. I didn't want to destroy them....so they are going to join the rest of the gang.

I guess the blood work was OK yesterday - the put me on Provera for 5 days because my progesterone is low...believe that it induces the AF. So in 5-7 days AF arrives and then I call for a schedule. And I started the Lupron last night...back to the sleepy brain dead Julie again. Joy.

At this point I am more worried about what will happen with the doctor than anything else. Apparently the clinic was blindsided with this news as well. There are some negotiations going on but my nurse didn't sound optimistic for a resolution or for my ability to get an extension until April.

Just for fun I asked if there were any tests for miscarriage that I should have done...yes, but you must have 4 miscarriages after 6 weeks...and it takes 4 weeks to get results. I'd like the insurance company to be in my position, with one cycle left and to tell me that I shouldn't get this test. I guess that is something to work on or appeal in the future. Can you imagine if there is something causing this and I wasted all these cycles?

Overall, I really don't want to do this cycle. I don't feel ready mentally or physically but I have no options. I wouldn't want another clinic to thaw the embabies as HP really is one of the best. Maybe this is for the best - no expectations - just going through the motions. I was at walg.reens last night and I didn't even buy a test...can I go without testing? Right now it feels like I could.

Quiet

2009-01-18T17:30:00.004-06:00

I know I've been quiet the last few days. OK I now realize its been a week since I've posted. Mostly because our computer is infected with a virus and its been hard to be online without getting bumped off. But also because I felt like what I had to say was depressing.

Thursday night was what seems like a turning point. I think I reached the pinnacle of my unhappiness. Part of me wanted to add (for now) on that. I can only hope that the relief I feel at this point is going to stay. It is much harder to fight being depressed without any meds. I know I could go back on something but I would end up having to come off again right away to cycle and it didn't seem worth it.

In the back of my mind was the thought that it was almost the 17th - so we were coming up to a month since we found out we were pregnant. That was yesterday (well since there was a delay in posting - two days ago)- which actually I got through with only a mental twinge or two. Zoe's b-day party was a welcome distraction and having her the night before seemed to help as well. Thursday there was much crying and meanness from me. To the point that I actually ended up with a migraine...even the halo vision thing which I haven't seen since before Zoe was born. So over 5 years. Migraines have mostly been a thing of the past so it was somewhat surprising that I ended up with one. I think I cried so much it brought it on. Somehow it was a preemptive meltdown. But I think it was almost like a valve release - there was just so much pressure I overflowed. But I feel better.

We've been back and forth on what our next steps were going to be. We have 5 embryos from this last cycle, 2 from our very first fresh cycle and one fresh cycle left to be covered by insurance. I always thought that the last cycle was a last resort...for an egg donor cycle. Its all covered the same by insurance except for the agency and donor fees - which run between $15-20,000. We have been so blessed to have excellent insurance, we've only had to pay a few thousand dollars total for co-pays, drugs and freezing fees for the embryos.

But after much soul searching and discussion we came to a surprising decision (well at least for me). We decided we didn't want to do a donor cycle - while the success rates are higher - 70% - there is still the chance that it wouldn't work. This would be a lot of money for us and we'd rather put it toward adoption as the next step where it seems like we have the best odds. It seems like a safer bet. Would it be different if we had tons of money, I don't know. I have no qualms about adoption, not at all, but I had them about a donor cycle. I guess that says it all.

I found it really hard after the last cycle to realize that those seven embryos are all that are left of my chance to be a genetic mother - to have a baby that was part me and part Dan. That I really, really want a baby that is from both of us. I realized that I wasn't ready to let it go, that I feel like the first two IVF cycles we did were almost a waste because we had the wrong doctor and that we had such good odds with Dr. K. So we talked a lot about this...decided I would call on Monday and switch to a fresh cycle for March. I always thought we would end up doing a donor cycle so how I got to this point I don't know. But its what feels right in my gut.

And then we get home and check the mail on Saturday night. Our insurance is no longer going to be affiliated with our clinic as of 2/28/08. That means we need a new doctor. That means that only if we are really lucky will we be able to get the frozen cycle in since I messed up and didn't go on Friday. I've emailed the nurse to see what she knows and if there is a chance for an extension to do a fresh cycle. No news yet. Just when we think we have it all together we are back to "what the hell are we going to do?". It is disconcerting to think of not finishing this at our clinic... Starting over with what is our last cycle doesn't seem all that groovy to me, even if there are a few good doctors on the list we can switch to.

Dan Speaks....err rambles.

2009-01-13T16:57:00.005-06:00

Its been a while since I last posted, and a lot has happened. Julie has done a great job talking about what happened. I don't know what is left to cover.

I was at work, working overtime that Monday when Julie started bleeding. She called me and said she was feeling a little crampy, but hey we got a tremendous number that day! A few moments later she calls crying. I felt helpless....especially helpless since I couldn't leave for about half an hour until my relief came in. Also I took the train, so I was at the mercy of the CTA to get me home to see Julie. My relief came in early so I ran as fast as I could to the train. I got home and we kept trying to reassure each other that everything was fine.

The next day we went downtown for the ultrasound and blood work, that Julie had to talk the doctor into doing that day. I remember going in to see the doctor. He was talking to his nurse, who I didn't recognize...but I remember thinking from the look she was giving us, that she was some kind of grieving counselor or something. Looking back Julie thinks that they knew, which explains the look. That they didn't tell us because it was almost Christmas.

We got home, got stuck in the snow in our parking lot and waited for the call. I remember when the call came in. Voicemail actually...I think the call came after I drove to Julie's work to pick up her computer and work for her to do. I put it on speaker and walked close to Julie. The words came....and soon it became clear what the message was. I have never been in a fight, so I don't know what a punch feels like....but I bet it feels a lot like the feeling that day. It was like getting punched in the gut. All I could do was cry. I felt bad, but not for me...but for Julie. She was truly happy that week, and I know how badly she wanted this to work.

The week just got better with the car breaking down, having to spend the holidays with the family who we had to tell the news too and getting a boat load of crap for missing a party. It was a crappy way to end the year.

For the past two years for Christmas I gave a date book to Julie, and in it there are various versus of a song, maybe a poem that I write to her. I was going to do it at work the Saturday before everything happened. But it was busier that the usual Saturday so I didn't. I guess the poem would have been a lot different. Instead I wrote a poem about how the next year will be better. Julie thought it was really sad. I didn't mean it to be sad. I guess there was an undertone of sadness after what we just went through, how could there not be I guess. What I was trying to get across, is that this year will be better, and that I love Julie like crazy.

Of course we can't predict the future. What will happen with the next cycle? Do we do a donor cycle....can we afford a donor cycle? Where is that box of money that was supposed to be delivered to us? The thing with infertility is that until you step back, you don't realize just how much of your life it takes over. For close to two years.....infertility has been front and center if our lives. I know people feel bad for us, but until you have been through any of this...you really don't know how hard it can be. With each chemical we get, we get closer to being out of chances. We are now having to more and more.....realize that this might not work for us. Do things happen for a reason? I guess we already now that we aren't in control of our own fate. We would have already had a child by now if that were true.

The strangest thing can bring that thought into perspective. Just last night we were watching some old episodes of the Gilm.ore Girls (which by the way I never watched when it was on but I really like it and wish I would have watched it when it was on the air). In this epsiode the mother is taking her daughter away to go to college. All of the sudden Julie starts crying and says.....we're never going to get to do that. How could I not start crying. She is right. We may not. Two years ago that wasn't even a consideration. But now, its in the back of our minds and like I said....can creep its ugly head out at any time it wants.

That doesnt mean that I am not going into the next cycle thinking negativly. We still have a good shot and have some good embroes. We will go in thinking that we wont be as hopeful though....but we both know that hope will always be there....battling those ugly thoughts.

I want to thank everyone who was read this, left a post or even just sent us a good thought. It really means a lot to the both of us. Thank you. Dan

Miscellaneous Ramblings

2009-01-12T12:17:00.002-06:00

It snowed here like crazy so I stayed home all weekend. We got a foot of snow – and more is on the way. I’ve decided I love snow when I don’t have to deal with it…shovel, drive or just plain old be in it. Otherwise if I can just stay home, and I have everything I need, I think it’s very pretty and peaceful.

Saturday I was lazy and didn’t do much more than walk the dog, take a shower, watch TV and cook dinner (which consisted of thawing out chili). Yesterday I was sick of being inside but less than adventurous in terms of venturing out into the world. So I cleaned. I cleaned almost as much as Dan and I did the Saturday before the “Loss”. That day I was exhausted – I was pushing hard and felt like crap. Yesterday, I did everything in four hours plus laundry. And I felt good, my back was a little twingey later but I was happy I got so much done. And mad at myself for not listening to my body that day. I somehow escaped the feeling of blame on the previous cycles...not so much on this one. I think I will always feel like it was something I did. I can't change it - it's just there.

So the spot is gone. I took a picture because pretty much all we have to remember this mini pregnancy is pictures, so it somehow seemed fitting to have a picture of the stupid spot on the floor. Oh well, Dan got it. It’s not the spot itself but what it was a symbol of to us.

I want to do acupuncture. Really I do. I look for a place to go to online, I see places I’ve been to, and yet I don’t call, I see places I haven’t been to and I don’t call. I don’t want to go somewhere new; I guess I decided that off the bat. I liked one place but its way out in the burbs – at least an hour from work and 45 from home one way. There other office is downtown – neither is a good option. There is one local by work, I went before the last cycle for a little bit, and never once felt comfortable or relaxed. It would be convenient to go here but I can’t see going to someplace I feel uncomfortable. They make your naked end face the door…in a weird way. There is one place that is more traditional, that I will probably go to. It’s not really close to me but it’s not as far as the burbs. It’s sort of a in between experience and in between location.

I have a feeling my mom knows we are cycling again. I love that she spends time discussing my reproductive issues with her friends. Not that she completely understands any of this but she’s out there talking to her friends about it. Oh and she’s getting the name of a good doctor on the North Shore. LOL. I have a good, no, I have an excellent doctor on the North Shore. We are so past the point of recommendations.

We are at the end of the road and I am not sure that it’s clear to our families. For me, at least biologically, this is my last cycle, most likely my last chance to have a child that is biologically connected to me. Starting this and knowing it’s the end of something is scary. It really is all my eggs in one basket at this point. 41% chance - that is what the clinics success rate with frozen transfers in my age group.

I am really not ready to do this - cycle again. But the other part of me just wants to get it over with. I keep wondering if we should wait until March. And then I think, what is the difference? What will be different in March vs. February? Unless something is wonky with the blood work – nothing. Oh, meds are ordered and will arrive tomorrow. So I guess this is it. Friday blood test and then if all is well we start Lupron over the weekend. Oh and this is the Lupron that makes we want to sleep 18 hours a day. That will go over well at work.

Does anyone think that I will be able to get through this without testing at home? What? That’s a serious question!

One drop left

2009-01-09T12:17:00.003-06:00

I keep feeling like I did something wrong, that I caused the miscarriage.

You aren't supposed to exercise post transfer, or have sex, lift anything heavy or breath funny, swear or move in a circle counter clock wise...well some of those anyway.

I know I over did the cleaning on the Saturday before...and I carried Dan's present to the car that Monday and I knew it was too heavy. And then went to the grocery store...and carried bags in and the present in all at once. And then I went and sat on the floor and wrapped the present and almost fell getting up (graceful I'm not) which twisted my body in a weird way.

I feel like a dumb ass. I feel like I knew better and still kept going because I "knew" that there isn't anything you can do, if you are going to have a miscarriage you are, but it was a half hour later that I saw spots of blood. And maybe 45 min after those first spots that our baby slipped out of my body. Can I tell you that it seems SO weird to me that it came out of my body so quickly. I wish someone could tell me that its normal. Shit at this point I wish it was something that I did. Just so I could know and won't do it again. I know a miscarriage is different for an IVF patient just because of the meds. That the progesterone keeps you from bleeding. This just seemed so much like a severed connection. Did I do it when I almost fell? It was such a weird contortion that I thought right away - I hope I didn't do anything! Or was it happening all along, the cramps were really the miscarriage?

I've always been a person who needed to know what was happening. I hate not knowing. I just wish I could have some kind of answer that was definite with something to back it up. At this point all you can say is that it was my crappy eggs - i.e. chromosomal right? Based on what? There is only PGD which is $4000 and it's too late to do that test.

Can I confess that there is one tiny drop of blood still on our bathroom floor. I can't clean it up. I washed the rugs and cleaned everything else but that one tiny drop is all that is left of our baby and I can't wipe it away. How gross is that? But I can't. I check it every time I go in there.

I've realized that I don't even doubt my ability to get pregnant now...I am sure I will again with the FET cycle. Its just how long will I stay pregnant? God this sucks.

Mostly I wish my emotions would even out. I feel fine some of the time and other times like a bitch on wheels. Poor Dan doesn't know who he is getting. And I don't think he cares much for the crying bitch on wheels. Poor Dan. 143

Back in the saddle again...omg

2009-01-06T12:45:00.003-06:00

That IVF horse, right. Well in this case a FET pony. I have nothing but fear. But what do we have to loose at this point? Our minds?

So I had made an appt yesterday for a follow up with the doctor. But honestly, why? We would do whatever he recommended and at this point there isn't much to talk about. We understand what went wrong...we've been tested for everything we can be at this point, it has to be a chromosomal problem or low progesterone. So I called his nurse and asked her if we needed to come in or if we could just move along. She said we can do a FET in February and that the doctor could just call me today. There was a little concern that I didn't start BCP's and would I have enough time to start before their cycle in Feb.

So the Dr. called me, and Dan, I was right, it was considered a chemical pregnancy, again. Gotta get to a heart beat to be "real". He's so nice. Said he thought I was probably sick of him. Ha, not really, just wish we had started with him. Basically it was a short conversation:

we have 5 frozen embryos
all good quality
thaw them all and then whatever survives put them in
going to work around the lack of BCPS and start lupron on day 21
I have to go in and make sure the hcg level is back to 0 in the next few days

And that is that. So sometime in mid to late Feb we are transferring again. I am going to figure out acupuncture ASAP (only thing I can think of to do that might help) and quickly get my blood work in for my regular endo just to make sure everything is still ok.

Honestly I would have been fine with waiting for March but they were all gung ho to get us in February. We are not telling the GP's and everyone in general. Obviously if you are reading this and know us in real life, we want you to know what is going on. Just please keep it to your selves for now. Its easier on everyone.

************

I just want to say thank you to all our friends and loved ones who have been so supportive and understanding. All the emails and notes are appreciated. I might not have a lot to say right now about how I feel. Or maybe I don't want to talk right now, but mostly I am afraid to talk about it all for fear of crying. Thank you for your love, prayers and support and for understanding how hard this is for us. Shit...tears starting... Just thank you. Love you all.

************

Happy Belated New Year!

2009-01-03T11:56:00.002-06:00

Cheers to the New Year! I'll lift a piece of chocolate to that! Sorry not a big drinker :) so chocolate can be substituted, right? I hope we all have a wonderful 2009. I can't really hate 2008 - sorry for the pun. There were a lot of great things in 2008 so I'm just hoping for a better ending to our 2009.

Dan is threatening to post...lol... I am sure he will when he has everything processed in his head. I've been trying to pull things out...but hey he's a man.

I think we are moving towards a better place or at least a place that isn't quite so painful. We didn't quite get down to the mourning of everything until my period came so we were delayed by a week in emotions. Mostly I felt a lot numb for that week hoping even though I knew it was over. Shit, there is part of me know that wishes it was all a mistake. I'm still having pregnancy dreams...I did last night. That all the weeks were fast forwarding...and suddenly I was 36 weeks and on a lake and somehow when you were ready to give birth the lake bloomed...like all these tiny little yellow flowers bloomed under the water. I was in a boat with Dan and the lake started blooming.

I'm still pretty teary at times but feeling better. We had a quiet New Years Eve - ate horderves for dinner and made fun of New Years TV - especially local coverage. Really bad TV. We had a few days to just be together which was nice. Since we don't have the same "weekend" days we don't get a lot of "whole" days to be together unless one of us has a day off. It was nice to have just us time.

Boo to having to go back to work on Monday. I'm still hoping for a lottery win one of these days. Well we all know I am a dreamer :) I have to admit that my brain will need an adjustment Monday AM to get back in the game!

We've spent a lot of time talking in the last two weeks about what our next steps are. We have 5 frozen embryos from the last cycle...2 from the first. We need between $15-20K for a donor cycle. So basically we know we are going to do a frozen cycle and start looking for some way to finance a donor cycle. I think we are both terrified that we'll end up in this position again but somehow feel like we have to see it to the end. The happily ever after end, please. Jump back on that horse and all that.

We've decided not to tell people in real life when we cycle again - so if you know us in real life please feel free to keep following...just don't pass the cycling info along. Mostly we want to save everyone the pain of the last experience. Everyone has been so wonderful and supportive but while we seem to improve with every cycle...we want to get to a safe place before we tell everyone again. I'm sorry for the hurt we caused but damn, we were so happy!

So next week I'll make a follow up appt with our doctor to see what he has to say. We'll keep you posted :) Thank you all for your love and support...it's much appreciated.

It's all over

2008-12-29T09:53:00.003-06:00

We survived Christmas and I think we were fairly stoic - not the most happy ever but OK. We had fun, happy to see family, etc. Probably a little bit numb still at that point.

My period started yesterday, so the final vestige of hope is gone. I don't know why but even though we knew everything happened a week ago there is still part of us that was hoping against hope that there was something left to salvage. So now its over, well over except the pain of it all.

We decided to return all the stuff we bought Baby E yesterday... the baby blanket I feel in love with, the pregnancy journal and dad to be books, and the picture frame for each trimester. Sucked but better then keeping them around. A pretty awful day, me being emotional and hormonal and just plan mean. Dan being upset because I'm upset, upset on his own and then being spacey because he was worrying which is making me more upset. A bizarre vicious circle then ended in a dual melt down at the end of the day...(did I mention our car died? Oh add that in too)? And we missed a family friends b-day party because by the end of the day there just wasn't any part of us that could deal with the good fortune of others. Which then made them mad at us - probably me because Dan never missed anything until I came around. I don't mean that we don't wish them well, it just means that we had way too much pain going on to be happy for someone else. That sounds stupid and selfish - maybe it is - but right now I don't know how else to be.

Emotional eating is hitting me full force. I am giving myself until new years to indulge and then cutting myself off. Mostly I feel like I am fighting depression and its a struggle to get out of bed and function. I've been off meds for I think 6 months and I don't want to start again. I just need to get through this time. I know every day gets easier and every Monday won't always be a week "after" or whatever. But I just feel bad. And sad that this happened again. And feeling stupid for remembering how happy and excited and sure everything was going to be OK.

Dan asked me when life was going to get easier last night. Personally I think his life was a lot easier before he me met...but I have no answer. Does it ever? I really, really, really hope so.

Merry Christmas...no really.

2008-12-24T12:53:00.002-06:00

I do mean it. Merry Christmas. If you are reading this I am wishing you a joyful holiday.

We are off tonight to spend x-mas eve with Dan's family and tomorrow with mine. With the promise that baby e will not be discussed. Because if we do then the crying will start and it might no stop.

Baby E. That is what I was calling our baby my head. Well it was one of the best weeks in my life so I am thankful for that.

We are doing OK. Random burst of tears when I don't attempt to control my thoughts which then makes Dan cry. Its sad. Its hard. It sucks and makes me mad. And want to know why? And why it was so fast? And did I do something wrong? And should we try again with our 5 frozen babies (well 7 overall)?

I can't see us giving up but I really, really, really don't want to do this again. I am almost 100% sure I will not want to tell our families again, I never want to hear my father or father in law cry like I did last night. It's bad enough to have a broken heart but to feel like you are breaking someone else that you love is just plain shitty.

Thank you for all the love and support - I send it back X10 :) Enjoy your blessings this holiday, I am, because without Dan I would so not be blessed. Seriously I am ok because I have him.

And I forgive you Santa - but you better make it up to me next year, damn it!

No words or Santa's a bastard

2008-12-23T14:11:00.005-06:00

I been trying to think of a way to write this post all day or if I should write it at all.

I had a scare last night with some bleeding. It started light, just when I was wiping. It freaked me out enough to go lay down. Now I realize why I was so crampy. About a half hour later I felt like I had to go to the bathroom...and ***TMI*** gush of clots and some blood came out. OMG talk about freaking out, especially since Dan wasn't home. After being hysterical for about 10 minutes I called Dan and told him to come home as soon as he could (after telling him what was happening). Honestly I was assuming the worst and I was having some major cramps. I went and laid on the bed on my left side - with the phone in my hand afraid to move. I know one number by heart for the clinic and luckily it was one that I could get into the answering service and then they connected me to the doctor. He said it could be nothing...bleeds are common, could have been a twin loss...as long as it stops its probably OK. That I should come in in the morning and get an ultrasound and blood work.

So we went in...and the ultrasound shows nothing...but the doctor is still optimistic. He said the numbers are awesome and that its too early for an ultrasound - that it would be two weeks. I should come back in week for the next blood work. I asked for the blood work for today - if they can get it in they will call today or it could be tomorrow. I mean if its rising I should be good, if its down then I probably did lose it.

How do you tell your family and everyone this? We thought we'd wait for the results from today. But its hard. And so damn scary.

*********update**************
We got the call. Hcg is down in the 400's. Miscarriage it is. Not much more to add right now. Except calling family was actually worse than I thought it would be. Fuck.

Ha!

2008-12-22T14:19:00.002-06:00

If you stare at your phone long enough it will ring!

Hcg 1031 :) WOOOO HOOOOO! Prg 5 - Doubling time of 1.61 :) Good stuff!

Next Appt Tuesday!

Thank God!

UGH!!

2008-12-22T14:08:00.001-06:00

Why won't they call? Why don't they make at home beta tests? I want to know the numbers!!!

The unknown

2008-12-20T11:31:00.005-06:00

How am I ever going to last 8 months without knowing what is going on? This part is all new and I am not sure what to expect or what should or shouldn't be happening. I hate not knowing things!

I get nervous if I don't have cramps for a couple of hours... I have to say that I am going to be nervous all over again on Monday for of hcg numbers. We need the numbers to be doubling in range or it will point to a miscarriage.

• DPO, 14. HCG level, 48 mIU/ml. Range: 17-119 mIU/ml.
• DPO, 15. HCG level, 59 mIU/ml. Range: 17-147 mIU/ml.
• DPO, 16. HCG level, 95 mIU/ml. Range: 33-223 mIU/ml. Wednesday we were 120 - in range
• DPO, 17. HCG level, 132 mIU/ml. Range: 17-429 mIU/ml.
• DPO, 18. HCG level, 292 mIU/ml. Range: 70-758 mIU/ml.
• DPO, 19. HCG level, 303 mIU/ml. Range: 111-514 mIU/ml.
• DPO, 20. HCG level, 522 mIU/ml. Range: 135-1690 mIU/ml.
• DPO, 21. HCG level, 1061 mIU/ml. Range: 324-4130 mIU/ml. Monday
• DPO, 22. HCG level, 1287 mIU/ml. Range: 185-3279 mIU/ml.
• DPO, 23. HCG level, 2034 mIU/ml. Range: 506-4660 mIU/ml.
• DPO, 24. HCG level, 2637 mIU/ml. Range: 540-10,000 mIU/ml.

It's not just the numbers but how often the numbers double.

Look most closely at progression: during the huge majority of early pregnancies (80-90%), the level will double every couple of days, or 72 hours. As your pregnancy progresses, levels rise and that doubling time increases.

The expected doubling time for HCG levels:
• Under 1200 mIU/ml: 48-72 hours.
• Between 1200 to 6000 mIU/ml: 72-96 hours.
• Over 6000 mIU/ml: more than 96 hours

So if I am understanding this correctly we need to be in the 1,000's. It's monday and I am off to appt...I'm so scared something has happened...ugh. Please pray that the numbers are doubling correctly.

What's a picture worth?

2008-12-18T21:24:00.004-06:00

Can you guess how many tests...

And they all ended up here... well except today's. I'll keep that until it dies. The pictures are better than anything physically would be!

But 23...yes 23...tests later...I get to see this :) I am embarrassed but I wouldn't change a thing. I started with 13 tests...and I still have 4 or 5 left. Yes, I bought more.

And to think I bought it before we even finished the cycle. I hope it means it was meant to be :) I wanted to buy Dan a shirt like this every cycle...this was the one it felt right.

As far as the beta tomorrow - I won't be going. I'll go Monday instead. This storm here in the midwest is going to be horrible (so they say). If it was the first beta I would try to go but nothing is going to change between tomorrow and Monday med wise. I did call the nurse to verify if this was ok and to talk about my progesterone level.

Honestly I am a researcher on Dr. goo.gle and I was a little freaked out because I thought it was low. Apparently when you are on the inserts vs the PIO shots the progesterone doesn't show up as much in your blood stream - but according to them studies show that the level is much higher in the endometrium. I could do a PIO shot...it can't hurt but I would have to talk Dan into doing it. So far no luck. Since this doctor hasn't steered me wrong yet, I'm cool with things as they are. Dr. K is the best!

The last one or 12 dp 5 dt

2008-12-18T07:25:00.004-06:00

Yep, this can be the last one. Because it's the best one. I have waiting so long to see one of these stupid digital tests say this one word!

This doesn't feel real. Not at all. I keep forgetting and getting distracted. Then remember and I'm a little surprised again. When I woke up I thought, wow, I made it to 5AM to pee...and then I remembered and was so happy. So happy. But I peed on one last stick.

Thank you Danny. Once again you've "made" my life. If I hadn't met you, the one thing I wanted for my whole life wouldn't be happening right now. So not only do I get you (woo hoo), I get to have your baby(wooo hooo). Best day ever material. 143

we did it

2008-12-17T17:06:00.000-06:00

120 hcg level. Prog 4.6
Omg we did it. Wooo hooo. More later.

Are you dying to know?

2008-12-17T16:38:00.002-06:00

Me too!

OK, we decided to have them leave a message on the home phone. And who has called twice to check messages today?? Me!! With guilt and all. I am afraid but excited and I WANT TO KNOW!

But now I am resisting...and waiting until Dan picks me up at 5 pm...so we can call and listen together. I have this idea that somehow they won't call me! OMG I would freak if there isn't a message. But I know they can call as late as 6:30. OMG.

I will post a brief note via blackberry if I can. Please, please, please let this be good.

11 dp 5 dt

2008-12-17T06:21:00.003-06:00

So according to dr gogg.le average hcg level at 16 dpo is 95 but the range should be 33-223. Fingers, toes, legs and arms crossed. Do you think it might be hard to get around? I just want a decent number...and then I can start worrying about the doubling time...

I can say is this is the best I've felt going into a test. On the others I knew there was something wrong, maybe not as much of a clue on the first one but for sure on the last two. On them all we had tests that started to get lighter. I don't have that feeling this time. Well as much of that feeling, although you'll notice that there isn't a digital in sight. I have one and I refuse to use it...its too scary! I want to be sure it is going to say pregnant before I use it! Horribly nervous and still a little scared that somehow it will end up a chemical.

This is going to be a long day... 5 tons of snow...having to wait all day for the answer...ugh. I'll post as soon as I know!

10dp 5dt

2008-12-16T05:07:00.002-06:00

Looks like a line to me.

On further examination its been determined that this line is darker than yesterdays.

Cool.

151st post or still 9dp 5dt

2008-12-15T21:43:00.004-06:00

Is there a 12 step program for POAS? I think I need one. Seriously, I asked Dan to come up with something...because I'll admit I have a problem. I NEED to test. and if I could I would do it all day long. It makes me feel better most of the time that its still there! What a dork.

Just want to note that the blue tests (that's what I call them) are a new lot...phew! There is still one left from the original group but I was freaking out that they were lighter. I think I'll stick with the pink test like today for tomorrow.

I can't wait for this wait to be over!! We've decided to ask the office to leave a message on the home number with the levels etc. So we are waiting to listen together. LONGEST day ever!

Lots of cramping today and breast pain. Also, weird lower back pain where it feels like I pulled something -or sometimes just an achy feeling. Who knows, maybe its just from the cold and walking stiffly because I am afraid of falling on the ice.

Two more sleeps. I can do it, really I can. Praying here. Lots and Lots of Praying :)

9dp 5dt

2008-12-15T06:00:00.003-06:00

With FMU above

With SMU - I retook this brand with SMU because the first one looked so much lighter than yesterday. I'm not sure what to think. The first test looks good, these are a different group but I worry that its a chemical again...and the levels are going down which is why the test is lighter. Then again, this was barely 5 hours - and fairly dilute.

I'm getting to the point where I really, really want all this waiting to be over. It's a weird up and down, the tests make me feel better until I get a lighter line or a negative on a digital...then I feel kicked off course for a while. While I know that its a good sign to be getting positives on different brands of tests, etc. I'm just so nervous and afraid that its just going to be another low number. I guess this morning I'm having a hard time being positive...but I'll get over it. Probably tired.

Happy Monday!

8dt 5dt

2008-12-14T06:44:00.004-06:00

Side by side of yesterdays and today FMU. Bottom is todays.

Bastard!!!!!!!!!!! I can't ever get this one! Remember to click on the picture for best results.

All were with FMU - 6 hours.